helplessromanticist

A little over a year ago, I don’t remember if I had written about this… incident… but I had met another girl.  The scene was a nightclub.  Dark atmosphere, loud music, and a good amount of alcohol.  It was an after party for a Deaf Basketball tournament that I volunteered with.  After being invited by a very nice (Deaf) Chinese woman named Flo, I embarked on what would be a strange, almost uneventful journey down another path with another girl.  Of course, this is the whole purpose of this blog: To detail my many romantic encounters with the fairer sex.

Upon arrival, Flo greeted me with a smile and a handshake and proceeded to introduce me to a few new people as I was fairly unknown to the Deaf community of the area.  She instantly introduced me to her sister-in-law, Edith, and Edith’s daughter, Gussie.  I was fascinated by her name and shocked at her ability to sign and the passion that went into each sign.  Gussie was easily the most beautiful girl in the room and though the venue was fairly empty, it got busy quick.  At one point, she was commandeered by her mother and a group of people that she had known before and I was forced to mingle with other people.  The crowd seemed pretty uninteresting, just a bunch of people who already knew each other talking amongst themselves leaving me an outsider.  I wandered around until I was joined by one of my then classmates, Dani.  Dani and I started to work off of each other more and it was simple to talk to her which worked out quite well.  The more people that filtered in, the more people there were to try to meet.  I tried to chat up a good number of girls as well as a good number of guys, but nothing really caught on.  A little bit later into the night, I found a solid group of slightly older guys to talk to about various things in Deaf history or life, etc.  But there was a moment that really seemed to slow down time and as much as I try to tell myself that time just doesn’t do that,  this memory only plays in half speed.  I was talking to a man whose name I don’t recall, but he had a beard and my eyes began to drift as he started to address not only me, but 3 or 4 other people.  As my eyes began to wander, keeping his story in my peripheral the whole time,  I saw the spinning, flashing lights flash over dark brown hair with blonde streaks.  I saw the shimmer of red lipstick, and I saw the flash of her eyes.  I took everything in in that moment from her hair down to the bottom of her dress that barely touched the floor.  I absentmindedly signed “excuse me” to the group I was involved with and wandered over to Gussie who was standing alone by a pillar.  That night, we talked about all sorts of interpreting things but as hard as I tried to steer the conversation to topics of life or phone numbers, it always ended up back at interpreting.  I may not have mentioned this, but Gussie is a Coda (Child of Deaf Adult) thus she is hearing while her parents are Deaf making ASL her first language.  Time passed much quickly now to make up for the time that I spent oggling her in slow motion and before I knew it, her mom swept her away for the drive back home to Stockton.  I was lucky enough to snag her facebook information, though.

For the next year, I would only see Gussie once over skype, talk to her on the phone about 7 times, and sporadically text her about non important things that almost never fully get discussed or resolved.  As gorgeous as she was, she was very hard to hold a text conversation with.  And one day, it would all cease.  I remember calling her and talking to her for an hour before the conversation switched to relationships and I finally discovered that she was single.  She told me about what she wanted in a boyfriend and I did my best to steer the conversation to the traits that I have, real or otherwise, that matched what she was looking for.  As time rolled on, I had friends to meet up with and I bid her good night with the promise to call her later.  Unfortunately this later didn’t come.  Despite my texts and calls, she didn’t respond to me anymore.  I truly believed that that was the end.

Two months ago,  however, something happened.  Something quite unexpected.  I received a text from Gussie.  A simple greeting that turned into some semblance of a conversation.  This conversation led to the discovery that we were both available on the upcoming Thursday night.This revelation led to me being invited to her house to hang out with her that Thursday night.  Appalled and bewildered, I graciously and eagerly accepted the offer and it was set.  On the drive to her house, I received the text “did you eat yet?” Of course I hadn’t, especially not with the goal being to buy her dinner thus tricking her into a date type of situation.  Long story short (cuz there’s oh so much more story to tell that will not be done tonight nor in this post) we ended up going to Macaroni Grill.   The conversation of the night covered a wide variety of topics that aren’t even worth mentioning here, but the conversation was so fluid and natural with few breaks or pauses longer that a few seconds.  We would speak when we weren’t eating and sign when we were.  The back and forth of it all was so flawless that I didn’t realize which language I was in that I would flip back and forth between languages within the same sentence.  The night was great.  I even met her siblings who seemed to like me too.  Within 2 weeks, I would be invited back to her house.

The second time I saw Gussie, we had planned to go on a hike on a Saturday morning.  Unfortunately, I was to close at work the night before, meaning that I would not get off work until roughly 3 A.M.  After saying this to Gussie, she suggested that I stay at her house Friday night/Saturday morning after I finished work.  There was much debate about me just sleeping in my car so as to not wake her up and she insisted that I call her to wake her up so I wouldn’t have to sleep in my car.  And then there was a problem with her phone and she didn’t receive any of my frantic calls to wake her up resulting in me sleeping in my car.  When morning came, she felt so guilty, ambling out of her house in a not designed to be sexy but oh so attractive sleeping dress, I suppose, signing sorry over and over again.  As she got closer, I smiled at her through my bleary, sleep deprived eyes and signed “you’re fine.”  As I got out of the car, she pulled me close for one of the tightest hugs I’d ever been involved in.  This type of hug became our standard greeting and departure.  As it turned out, Gussie had tweaked her neck somehow and didn’t feel up to hiking, so we went to lunch instead.  And then dessert.  And then we watched a movie…  And then we hung out with her family more… And before I knew it, I was getting asked to stay a second night so I could take them to Dim Sum and show them some more authentic Chinese food.  That night, I drove from Gussie’s house straight to work for another closing shift.  For the next two months I would see Gussie on an almost regular weekly basis without fail.  I would send and receive texts to and from her for the entirety of the day starting with a “good morning :)” either from her or me.  We would talk on the phone at least once every day, and Skype calls would be almost a regular routine as well.  Somehow after a year of shoddy attention, I had wormed my way into this girl’s life in a matter of days.  But the closer I get to her, the more I get to know about her, the more I am beginning to feel like it’s all a big mistake and that this is all a terrible decision.  This, however, is a story for next time; probably tomorrow.

Until then,
Helpless Romanticist

Megan. The name’s been on my mind for a while. Sure, she’s gorgeous. Sure, she has fantastic blue/green eyes. Sure, she’s half Asian/Half white. Sure, she has an addictive sarcastic personality that seems to mesh with my own. However, it isn’t meant to be and I know it. For one, she is only going to be in town for another month before returning to Oregon for school. Had I the money and/or resources to make my way up to Oregon to visit her often, maybe it would be worth the consideration, but seeing as I am working a slightly above minimum wage job and will be thoroughly busy with work and school during the semester, It will not be easy for me to make any sort of long distance relationship work, if a relationship would be to happen in the first place. But I can’t shake this dream that I had this morning. A dream that consisted of a lifetime spent with Megan.

I’ve known Megan for almost a month and I’ve loved working with her and talking to her. Our personalities, however, tend to clash. While we are the same sarcastically, we each have had drastically opposite upbringings. She was raised to be wild with a father who encouraged her to drink since she was 12 and brought her along to heavy metal concerts. She had done what the average college student did such as dabble in various drugs, smoke, and much more, I’m sure. She often attends parties and loves drinking, two attributes that I do not, sadly, share. I’ve known this for a while now that I will not be able to be with her and no lasting relationship would likely stick because of our major differences. This didn’t stop me from having what felt like the longest dream of all time.

I barely remember how it began and it’s been so long since it transpired that I barely remember the exact events of the dream. But I know that the entire dream was structured on a relationship with Megan. I remember hanging out with her one day and confessing my feelings for her. She agreed to attempt a relationship with me and we went from there. We seemed to be together for a little bit before some comment from her warranted an endearing “I’m sorry, I love you” spoken softly and ended abruptly as I had never once said those words to her before and it was certainly too soon to be doing so. She had stopped walking and turned to me asking “You’re not trying to fall in love with me, are you?”
“N-No…” I stammered, rapidly thinking of a way to make it seem like I wasn’t a complete failure as a human being by jumping into things too fast. “I know we’re just having fun.”
She smiled. “Maybe” she said, kissing me gently on the lips.
I smiled back and took her hand once more and we resumed our trek.
Next, I remember being in a mall with her. A mall unfamiliar to my waking life. We had parked the car and walked hand in hand inside where we began browsing stores that were packed with people. We wandered through stores she liked and stores I liked without a single complaint from either of us, it was just completely tranquil. I felt totally at ease and completely happy while I was with her. The events of the dream played out over what felt like years. We met, we kissed, we believed that we wouldn’t last… and we lasted. I saw us aging, I saw jobs come and go, but I saw the one constant. I saw Megan. She was there when I would come home from work, I would listen to the events of her day as she listened to mine, and we would cook food and eat meals together. That overwhelming feeling of joy and love that I felt towards her was insatiable. I felt as though I had never loved another woman before ever in my life. Words could not express how I had felt during that entire sequence. Not once did the dream change and not once did I feel compelled to wake up mid-dream. It was absurd how I could remember the feeling of her lips on mine despite never feeling them in reality in the first place. It’s absurd how much I yearn for this girl who is clearly not a good match for me. Granted, she may be a placeholder for whatever it is in life that may make me happy, but again I’m only having this strong feeling in my dreams and nothing more.

I have plans to hang out with Megan and another coworker in two days time and I do very much look forward to it mostly because it will get me out of the house and get me on the track to two new friends. But I fear that something will happen that would either draw me to Megan even more or I may do something that would make her hate me. I guess I’ll have to wait and see

Here I am again on another sleepless night in a bed that feels as though it is 3 sizes too big. I lay staring blankly at the dim shadows of the fan reflecting off the ceiling while contemplating life, history, and prospects of the future. Unfortunately, I found myself reminiscing about friends new and old. I realized that over the years I had lost more friends than I had ever really gained (somehow) and seem to be at a loss for how one conducts… life. Stupidly, I found myself tumbling my way through old facebook messages thanks to the (terrible) advent of mobile phones. I soon found my way onto the chat box belonging to myself… and Talitha. As I ran my finger from the top of the screen to the bottom, searching for a good place to start, I stumbled upon one of your hundreds of “break-up” conversations. This conversation in particular saw her pleading with me for allowing this site to remain up and running therefore providing her with a written testimony for each of our excursions and the evolution of my feelings towards and about her. I scrolled thorough the messages and began to the my pattern of the decent into depression. I started off strong and slowly became more of an asshole as I was convinced that I had felt no pain and had no remorse for my actions. Looking back, of course, I know that I was a fool for saying the things I had said and with a slightly more objective mind (I am actually quite tired and therefore objectivity is kinda thrown out the window) I could see where Talitha’s confusion had lain. As I read through the messages, I felt each heart string tug once more on the familiar feelings of the past. Since so long ago, Talitha has moved on as well as I, if not for long. Talitha, from what I can tell over my occasional (stalking) check on her facebook (out of boredom and curiosity!) she appears to be in a happy committed relationship and I couldn’t be happier for her. Yet… I lie in bed for hours thinking of nothing but her. My dreams as of late are flooded with images of her face. My current actions all relate back to some semblance of her. Though for a period of time I had found another to love, and love her I did, my thoughts always return to her. I can’t be sure of why and there is no timeframe that could explain this. I barely even remember around what time Talitha and I got together and when we stopped being “together” (and on and off and on and off and… etc.).

My problem is: I am haunted forever by her memory. I felt like my love for Emily was stronger than it was with Talitha when we were together. If this is true, though, wouldn’t my break up with Emily have been more harsh? Wouldn’t I have strove to return to Emily once more after we had broken up? Of course, the notion was always there as a clear alternative, but not one I had ever acted on; Not as I did with Talitha. I see her face every time I close my eyes and in the back of my mind, all I can think is that I am the last thing on her mind. I have seen her, though, a couple times since we parted company. Once I was only about two feet away from her. She didn’t even notice me though. I must say, though, that I’m quite ok with that. I… hmm… I feel as though I fear seeing her again. I’m terrified that if I see her again, and she acknowledges me again, the pain and frustration of being with her will flood back again. There’s also the fear that she’s changed and her aversion to Asian men has receded and perhaps things would start over. The latter is a bad and a good fear, but one that I am not looking forward to play out. In the conversation that I read, I pleaded with her to forget about me and I begged her to not remember the person I was and to put me completely out of her mind when we finally stopped talking. She begged me to not delete her off of facebook. She desperately wanted me to remain a part of her life just as much as I secretly wanted the same from her. She called me an unlabelable friend, not in so many words, of course. She was always more eloquent than I was. I often wonder if she has figured out that label yet. I also wonder if she has truly forgotten about me. I wonder what she is dreaming about. I miss the days when I could spend hours talking to her about anything. The days when I would absentmindedly drop whatever I was doing just to see her, if only for a second. Still, I cannot help but pause whenever I see her and feel my heart freeze in my chest.

How is it that after all this time, after nearly two years, I can still be haunted by this one girl? Why is it that I was so in love with the one girl that I had who would never be mine? How come the girl that I did have and the girl that did want me back couldn’t stay in my life for longer than a few months? How come my Talitha still plagued my dreams even while I would lay next to Emily? Why did I expect Talitha’s face when I woke up in the morning? Why do I still dream about her? I keep telling myself that it’s been 2 years, I’ve successfully moved on and I’m officially a functioning adult. But it’s not true. It hasn’t been true for a long time. Ever since that… what? November night? Why can’t I get her out of my head from 21 months ago? Why can I still remember her voice in all the different things that she did? Every song that I hear pulls out the thought “I wish Talitha was singing this song.” Every time I hear a girl sing, why must I compare it to the angelic voice of Talitha? It can’t possibly be the fate that Talitha and I joked about. Fate is not this cruel. Am I truly destined to be trapped with this perfect image to hold against all future prospects? Am I doomed to hold Talitha in such high regard for the rest of my mortal life? Why must I feel this way about a girl who did nothing but throw me under a bus?

I always believed the term “Love Never Dies” was a term coined for the likes of Shakespeare and television, but this lingering sensation continues on in my head. I know that at one point I loved her, but is it possible that this unrequited love remains? Unrequited love is supposed to be this tainted form of love that can only be overcome by a shared, requited feeling of love. A type of love that I believe Emily and I had. Yet this sensation did not go away. It would not seem to be that mankind was designed for this kind of yearning. No man deserves to pine over a girl who does not and will never love him back. But I am that man. I am the undeserved man who continues his fawning and yearning for a love that will never come back. For a love that was never his.

I can only fear that Talitha has stayed true to her word, all those years ago when she begged me to allow her this blog. I can only fear that she truly does look back on our time together. I can only fear that she sees this post and discovers how truly broken I am after our last “encounter” be it ever so brief. My time of moving on has since past and I am left with nothing but life. As life continues on, I am trapped with this ghost flitting about my thoughts and memories, attaching itself to every object I look at and touch. This ghost haunts my memories and taints the world around me causing myself to become more cynical than the boy I once was. Makes me yearn for days past and despise the grim future that awaits me absent of Talitha. The shredded tatters of my heart still cry for a mending that will never come. Some people tell me that this is how one feels about a first love, but never have I heard anyone describe the pain to be this terrible and the nights to be this long. It doesn’t help that I’ve shared this bed with Talitha many times and woken to her perfect figure each of those times. I’ve lain in this bed with her running my fingers through her perfectly curly hair and kissing her perfect lips and forehead. I’ve entwined my fingers with hers as we would talk into the night. I would wrap my arm around her stomach and pull her into me as I would kiss her cheek. I still remember her scent as though she were still here next to me. I remember each expression she would make regarding each action I made as well as the verbal comments she would retort when I teased her. I remember her beautiful green eyes as I stared deeply into them in the silence between conversations. I remember holding her whenever we would part just to smell her hair and kiss her neck. All things that I can never have again. All things that remind me of what I knew as a perfect life… that I can never have again.

Growing up, one of the more prominent things I remember watching was the grayscale backdrop of New York City as an unfamiliar theme song played.  I remember vague antics of a happily married couple who were so in love and knew each other so well that no matter what had happened between them, they always managed to come back together.  This is not to say that they spent every episode bickering.  The show was so simple that it was purely about a happy couple and their life together.  The husband and wife traded jokes and worked material off each other with a hilarious dog to boot.  As I got older, I discovered the reruns of this show on Syndication.  I discovered that the show was called “Mad About You.”  

The timing of the show was impeccable.  It aired as soon as I arrived home from school.  The duration of high school saw me speedwalking/running home in an attempt to catch this show while I did my homework.  After the series went off syndication, I didn’t know what to do.  I missed the daily antics of Paul and Jamie Buchman.  I’m currently watching it on FXX while I type this.  I’ve rediscovered this show after finding that they’ve had hours of it every workday.  

The reason I find this necessary to discuss is because this show has had a profound effect on my life greater than I would’ve thought.  This show was hilarious to keep my attention, and was charming enough to make me pine.  I loved the simple concept of this movie and subconsciously emulated the humor.  Jamie is logical, intelligent, and driven.  Paul is laid back, silly, and indecisive.  Together, they complete each other and can work back and forth, making each other laugh and through the physical comedy and the pointed jokes, you can see the chemistry between Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser prove that this couple is truly in love and there is no feat that could erode that.  The series is ever evolving, constantly using recurring jokes and sarcastic wit.  They are so in love with each other and are so caring about the people they love that they are willing to do anything for all the people that they consider loved.  This includes Jamie’s best friend’s Fran and her husband Mark,  Jamie’s sister Lisa, Paul’s cousin Ira, and of course, each of their parents.

This show is done so fantastically that it would make any lovesick romantic yearn for the kind of relationship shared by the onscreen couple.  If there is anyone left reading this, I advise you to check it out if you can find it. 

“Wait!” I called as she brushed past me for what felt like the hundredth time.  I reached out and touched her shoulder only for her to react surprised and spin around.  She said nothing, remaining expressionless.  “I have spent the last few months mustering the courage and words to at the very least know your name.  I know we’re in college, but that doesn’t mean that all I want is to get in your pants.  We used to be cordial and friendly and all of a sudden that’s changed…  What did I do to change things?” 

She stared at me, emotionless, before turning away…

I opened my eyes and blinked several times before realizing that I had another dream.  This was the third time I had fallen in and out of consciousness, only to have vivid memories of the dreams that had transpired.  I glanced blearily at the clock to see that it was only 3 in the morning…. Only…  I knew the girl in question this time.  There was no confusion, no assumptions, I recognized her face.  One true fact is that lately, she had been brushing past me in the halls without so much as a hello whereas we used to be as cordial as two people who ride the same bus every day.  However that seemed to change with the end of winter break and the resuming of school.  In my head, I believed that she looked like a Heather, so let’s just go with that.  

I met Heather towards the beginning of last semester when my roommate dragged me to a movie quiz game thing in the multipurpose room.  As I’m sure can be assumed, “Heather” and I didn’t actually “meet” but it was our first encounter.  My team had won the game with the most questions answered correctly by me and (for once) she genuinely seemed impressed with my movie knowledge.  We didn’t have an opportunity to exchange words, but there were several glances that I didn’t take to mean anything.  The problem for me was that my mind was already preoccupied with Emily as it was the entire time that we were cordial.  As soon as trouble reared its ugly head between myself and Emily, Heather had started avoiding me.  My cheerful “hey!”s and a smile were answered with a scowl and a quick inspection of the wall.  I didn’t know what I had done.  There had been several encounters around school and each time there was a friendly smile on both of our faces and brief small talk that usually included me tripping over my own feet just to find them in my mouth.  Heather was quite attractive.  Almost identical in height and build to Emily but with blonder hair and glasses (not to mention the fact that she could hear).  I always wanted to at least know her name so at least I was one step closer to getting to know her as a person, but my conundrum which was Emily kept interfering.  Now that I am putting Emily out of the picture, it’s all I can do to think about Heather and what I would say to her when the moment presented itself.  The dream that I had has quite possibly shown me the way and it is something that I will want to try upon the completion of Spring break and my return to school.  

I know that it is unwise to jump into a relationship again so soon after yet another failure, but I do not plan on dating this girl right off the bat.  For one thing, I have seen her at the cafeteria with another guy who I am uncertain of whether or not they’re together…  I have yet to see any intimacy between them.  I would honestly like to believe that I just want a friendship with this girl and perhaps test her knowledge of movies and see just how much she does know in comparison to me and if we share similar interests.  Aren’t those kinds of questions and queries the definition to the lead in of a relationship though?  Bah, fuckit, I’ll just have to see where this goes and see what my gut does and doesn’t allow me to say to her.

I’m not sure why I’m sitting here writing this… there was no epiphany, there was no revelation, there was no… change… The song “Realize” by Colbie Caillat came on the radio and as I began to sing the harmonizing verse that I would often do with that and songs like it, I realized that I could never do that in person with Emily…  The thing with Kelsey is that i no longer look at her like that…I like her as though she were my sister and that has its own reasons inandof itself that I will not divulge here.  Not to mention that she has a boyfriend… but that’s neither here nor there.  I realize that I have so much fun with anything that I’m doing and the only thing that truly seems to kill the mood is when I talk about Emily or must answer a text from her.  I have noticed that the smile that exists carefree on my face suddenly vanishes when her name comes up in conversation. I harmonized all the “if you’d just realize what I’ve just realized” and I thought to myself “… You know how this is going to end… this isn’t going to end well regardless of if it happens now or later… There is no happy medium.  I am blamed (inadvertently) for her lack of pursuance of higher education and she won’t let me help her with her problems.  However, no matter how many excuses I make up, I can’t escape the fact that I… 

Are these really the right words?  Is it true?  Am I really feeling like this right now?  Is this the dark nature of night that retains me in its everlasting clutches?  Can I escape this feeling come dawn? Do I really want to be saying these things?  Are these the right words? Is this really going to be the state of our affairs?  Will we recover from this?  Will this really be an event in my life to teach and inspire me to evolve?  Can I shed this pitiful shell? Is there really a step following this? Are these the right words? 

They must be the right words.  This pit in my stomach tells me that they are the words that need to be said but are the worst words known to the human race.  The set of words that no one wants to say and the set of words that even less people want to hear… Perhaps this rent could be mended with time or perhaps just a moment with her would be enough to repair the destruction that this situation is presenting to my heart….  They must be the right words.  There comes a time in life where these words must be said.  Only when I say these words can I truly decipher whether or not they are from the heart or from the head.  The questions that whiz through my head are starting to fade the more I think about that one phrase.  I can not say for sure if it was due to a single event and I can not say for sure that it is the result of any event at all.  I can not say that this is not simply an inevitable quandary fated to rear its ugly head.  They must be the right words.

I don’t love her anymore.

With Emily sleeping mere feet away from me, it would seem that this post is being written under extreme duress.  Another new player has been introduced into the fray I call my life, and as with every other introduction, the added confusion is present as well.  This one’s name is Kelsey.  I had seen Kelsey in a couple of my classes two semesters ago.  She was attractive, studious, and that was all I knew.  Of course, this was still at the point in my life when I didn’t have a girlfriend and if it was attractive, I would follow it to the ends of the earth just for a date.  I didn’t see Kelsey last semester due to a school conflict… thing… but I ran into her this semester.  While I was waiting to speak to my adviser, I saw her searching for a computer to use that wasn’t broken.  I offered her the computer next to mine because I knew it worked and after saying “thank you” she quickly noted that she recognized me.  We figured out that we had a “classifiers” class together two semesters prior and after that began introductions.  I didn’t think much of this at first because of my obligation that I had towards Emily despite the various issues we may be having.  We continued to chat intermittently via ASL or talking about random things, mostly pertaining to school and later traded numbers and went our separate ways.  Two days later, I saw her in class and we were coincidentally placed in the same group together where we had more time to talk.  After class, we had yet another class together which I had decided to skip and which she was on the fence about ditching as well.   I had some stuff to take care of at the office and asked her if she would like to come with me.  “Sure” was her reply with a smile.  

We walked into the building and got into the elevator chatting.  
“So… I hear you have a Deaf girlfriend… is that why you’re so good at signing?” 
“Damn… that got out fast…” I thought to myself as I paused awkwardly for a second.  “Yeah.” I replied.  “Ever since I met her, I’ve been signing non-stop!  haha.” 
“That’s cool.  I wish I knew someone like that to sign with.” She replied with what I nearly read as a dejected smile.  
“You just need to find a Deaf guy to date!!” I said with feigned cheerfulness.  We continued on chatting in between my appointments and decided that we would watched the class that we missed online because it was supposed to be uploaded live.  Before returning to my dorm, Kelsey realized that she needed to move her car from the 2 hour parking spot she had parked in 3 hours ago.  I told her which dorm I was in and we parted ways for a bit.  She also met up with a friend to get some parking permits and before she could come back,  Emily had texted that she was on her way over and that she would be there soon.  

Emily arrived a bit before Kelsey did, and proceeded to hug me and kiss me and lay in my bed, relaxing, as she usually does.  When Kelsey texted me, I went out to greet her and brought her into my dorm room.  She took one look at my living room littered with plastic guitars, drums, and game systems and said excitedly “Is that guitar hero?!?” 

Shocked, I replied “Yeah… do you play?” 
“Yeah!!!” 
“Do you wanna?”
“Sure!!” 

I walked to my room to get my Xbox and inadvertently introduced Kelsey to Emily… Something that I really wish didn’t have to happen.  While setting up my Xbox in the living room, I showed Kelsey my collection of DVD movies, games and TV shows.  After she flipped through a couple pages, she began to tell me about the TV show collection that she had as well.  Among the parallels were Buffy, Angel, Vampire Diaries, Smallville, Supernatural, and several others.  I was shocked… I already had so much in common with this girl, a trait that I can not say that I share with Emily at all.  We played a few rounds of guitar hero with my roommates and other friends jumping in to play with us and Kelsey talked to them all and got along with all of them amazingly.  My roommate proposed that we go to the cafeteria for dinner and after asking Kelsey and Emily, they both agreed to go, and so we went.  

It was the first time I could have dinner with my roommates and not worry about leaving Emily out.  Whatever I didn’t interpret, Kelsey interpreted.  Whenever I was talking to my roommates, Kelsey signed with Emily.  It was perfect… She was perfect… I felt so bad like I was betraying Emily’s feelings by thinking the things that I was, but I couldn’t help it.  It was another totally unique relationship worthy scenario.  Talitha was alone and wanted attention, so I gave it to her,  Emily was Deaf and I knew ASL and I could use her loneliness to my loving advantage… But Kelsey… We were almost the same…. Of course, at this point, you would probably think I’m nuts… and I probably am, but it became so much more clear, two days later.

Friday, Kelsey was going to come over and we were going to watch the class video that we didn’t get around to watching on Wednesday.  When she came over, I showed her my TV show binder which, I guess, she didn’t look through.  Upon opening it, she said: 
“Wow, you watch American Horror Story?!?” 
“Yeah…” I said incredulously. “Do you watch it?” 
“Yeah, but I don’t think the newest season is as great as the older ones… Do you follow it?”
“Yeah…” I said again incredulously.  “But nothing can really compare to the first season’s awesomeness…” I said before I could compose myself and have the in depth analysis of the show that I’ve been dying to have since I first turned the show on.  Kelsey turned the page.  
“Wow… You watch Dead Like Me too?!?” 
“You watch that?!? No one I know has even HEARD of that show!!” 
“I love Dead Like Me!!!” After flipping through the binder and nearly freaking out over every single show that I had, another quote of hers caught my ear.  “Oh, I have X-Men too.”
My jaw dropped.  “…You know that’s not the movies right?” 
“Yeah, the old 90’s TV show.  I have volumes 3 and 4.  I didn’t really like what they did with the movies anyways”
“…” I wanted to drop to my knees and propose to her on the spot.  But it only got better.  “Well if you think that’s cool, you should come here and check this out.” I opened my cabinets and showed her the stacks of comic books that I had brought with me to college. 
“Oh, I have a bunch of comics at home too.  Mostly just Avengers stuff though.”  At this point I was tearing apart my room to find any little modicum of nerd that she wasn’t attached to.  I grabbed my Optimus Prime transformers toy that I had and said:
“This thing is pretty cool too.  I play with it whenever I get bored.” I said.  
“I never saw Transformers, but it reminds me a lot of a Power Rangers Megazord…” She said very matter of factly.  
“You watched Power Rangers?”
“Oh hell yeah, I was the pink ranger every year for halloween.   I still have a bunch of the old episodes on VHS, they’re kinda my guilty pleasure.”  
“… I have a ton of megazords back at home too.  I have at least one from almost every season…”
“I have a few of the toys at home, I don’t know where they are now though…”

The rest of the day was spent talking about nothing until we finally sat down to watch the video that she came here to watch.  But even then, we kept getting sidetracked and just talked about random things almost every few minutes.  Unfortunately, Emily had already planned to come over and had gotten there a little after 3.  I was having so much fun talking to Kelsey that I didn’t hear the knock at the door.  I felt a little bad about completely forgetting about my girlfriend because of her, but… as much as I keep saying this, it doesn’t make it any less true… there was something different about this one.  I had asked Kelsey to come with me to the comic shop on Wednesday to pick up the new comics I wanted to get and she smiled and said “sure” and so I suppose we will see where that goes.  But anyways, after Emily had gotten there, she got very clingy and I could tell that Kelsey was making up an excuse to leave.  She kept looking over at me and Emily who wouldn’t get her hands off of me before saying that she had to drive somewhere to meet someone about something… I’m pretty sure those were the words too… But ever since Kelsey left, I haven’t been able to get my mind off of her.  I have encountered people like Emily who would lie to my face just to get me to like them, but what if this is all genuine?  There were too many similarities to be coincidence, right?  Not every girl would lie through their teeth just to have a chance with someone like me… right?

Last night as I fell asleep with Emily in my arms, I began to dream.  I had a dream that seems to have sent me a very clear message but for the sake of remembrance, I must record it to the best of my ability.  I will begin by introducing a new character: Carly.  Carly and I met towards the end of last year.  She has always been considered off limits to be because she has a very serious boyfriend of about 4 years and I’m no home wrecker.  I have, however, always been particularly attracted to Carly though. She is average height, slender, beautiful, and covered in adorable freckles.  She has a great sense of humor and we always find things to talk about.  So far, she has been a really good friend to me as well.  She listens to my problems with Emily, she helps me sort them out, and she seems to enjoy hanging out with me as well.  I will not risk this friendship for anything though.  Especially since she has a boyfriend.  Anyways. 

The opening of my dream was a blur, but I remember that I was somewhere familiar in the dream, but not familiar to my waking life.  I was with Emily for a little bit before she had to leave.  After being alone for a while, I remember being in my old house with Carly.  I know that we were doing something and hanging out before that, but I don’t know what it was.  I vaguely remember telling Carly that I appreciated everything that she’s done for me and I had been waiting to do something for a long time.  Right before gently kissing her.  She was surprised and protested while I tried to explain that I was attracted to her and I wanted to know what it was like.  We walked back to my house and went in and went to sit on my old couch.  Before we sat down though, Carly stopped, turned to me and looked me in the eyes.  She was slightly shorter than me, so she had to look up a little bit.  
“What’s wrong?” I remember saying.
“I may regret this, but do that again.” She replied with a schemish look in her eyes.
“Do what?” I asked innocently.
“This.” She grabbed my hand and gently pulled me towards her to kiss her.  We made out standing up for a bit before I sat down on the couch and pulled her down to sit on my lap.  
“I have really liked you for a long time.” I said after we stopped kissing. 
“I know” Carly said, with her addictive little grin.
“But I’m also with Emily and I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you know what to do and you’re just kidding yourself.  You don’t want to be with her anymore.  So don’t.” Carly said before kissing me again.  “You know you love me.”

The rest is a blur.  Many different things happened, many places were visited, but I remember one constant: Carly.  She was there through all of it but the difference between the dream Carly and the real Carly was that she was there the whole time, holding my hand and kissing me.  One scene saw my family sitting around a table eating dinner and Carly came in as though she had been there the whole time with a beaming smile on her face and love in her eyes.  My family greeted her warmly and she returned the greeting before pulling up a chair to sit next to me and kiss me on the cheek.  The entire family had conversations and Carly was a part of each one.  There were scenes that seemed to be straight out of a B rated Horror flick that showed me protecting Carly against some low budget monster or a balloon that we believed to be a monster.  I remember kids running around while I tried to avoid the toys they left on the floor.  I remember hardwood floors.  I remembered midnight drives to a fast food restaurant.  I remember falling asleep next to Carly.  

I awoke to feel the hand on my stomach move ever so slightly.  As I blinked the weariness out of my eyes, I was slightly shocked to find Emily there as opposed to Carly.  She was still asleep, luckily, as my waking memories began to filter through my subconscious memories.  I fought tirelessly to remember the events of this dream as I knew that there was most likely some significance but I couldn’t well write about it while Emily was here, and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it while Emily was around.  Now is my first real chance to talk about what I had dreamed about last night and try to figure out if I should really leave Emily in quest of a better life with someone like Carly or if this is really a bullshit dream to ignore.  I am eager to return to sleep in hopes of having the same dream again, but something tells me that I shouldn’t expect an encore performance… 

Between the time I wrote my last post( which appears to be way back in June) and now, a lot has happened between myself and Emily.  It is a lot of stuff that people would prefer that I didn’t talk about, including myself, but I cannot keep quiet about any longer.  I have known Emily since last April, meaning that we have known each other for a little over 6 months and we’ve been dating for 4 of those.  When I first met Emily, I had believed that she had lived a certain way of life: Worked at the local community college, lived with friends, and she planned on starting school in the upcoming semester.  I believed that she had a peaceful life, spending alternating weekends visiting her mom, her dad, and her mom’s ex-boyfriend (whom she considered to be a step father).  Most of this illusion that she manufactured for me was shattered after just knowing her for 4 months. 

Due to how long ago it happened, I do not remember the exact words that were said, but basically, Emily had missed her bus to “work” one day and told me that she was going to stay home and that she texted her boss and said that she couldn’t make it.  About an hour later, she decided that she wanted to go to work and texted me that she felt bad about lying and wanted to go to work.  After much confusion as to why she would lie about so trivial a topic with me, I sent her texts relentlessly trying to figure out why she lied to me.  I received a text a few minutes later that changed our whole relationship.  

“When I get home, I want to tell you the truth about everything.”

I stared at my phone wondering what the hell “everything” meant.  I bated my time at work and when I was finally free, I hurried home and turned on my laptop to get skype running.  The call opened and I saw Emily’s tear-streaked face and heard her soft sobs come through the speakers.  I didn’t know how to act or what to do.  She told me that everything she told me was a lie and when I asked for clarification, she told me that she didn’t work at the community college, she didn’t exactly live with friends, and she didn’t plan on going to college.  Instead, I found out that she worked at the local Deaf hub that sets up events and services for the Deaf and hard of hearing community.  I found out that the “friends” that she lived with were really another Deaf family that her mother is paying to take care of her and teach her how to be independent as part of a program.  I didn’t know what to say.  The initial shock reaction for me was to calm her down and get her to stop crying.  That didn’t help much when after the crying subsided, all I could do was barrage her with questions of my own like, why didn’t you tell me this? and why are you ashamed of that? I eventually calmed her down and assured her that I would still see her at the end of the week and hung up.  But I was stuck.  I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think, and I definitely didn’t know what to say.  I kept the news to myself and pondered what I should do about it and wondered what else she had been lying to me about.  A few days later, I called her again and told her that I was really mad and that I didn’t want to see her anymore, that I didn’t trust her, and I regretted ever meeting her.  She was devastated and wouldn’t let go and by the end of the conversation, she convinced me to stay.  I still have yet to fully trust her again.

The next significant event in our relationship pertained to the “step father”, Rob.  While we were dating and talking, she had spent a few weekends with this man and was very comfortable with him and she often made comparisons between myself and him.  Of course, it was awkward enough that my girlfriend was saying things like “You give good massages, but I prefer Rob’s.”  That was a huge slap in the face for me especially since this man had no legal standing as a relative to her.  Everything that I did, I came to know that Rob did it better.  And so I began to change.  I wanted to mold myself around this amazing man known as Rob and I wanted to be everything that he was to Emily.  I wanted her to trust me completely, be comfortable with me, feel safe with me, and I wanted her to love me the way that she seemed to love this man.  The beautiful illusion that she created for herself was shattered, though, one night last month.

 I had never really been comfortable with Emily visiting Rob and I’m sure that the reasons are obvious.  Emily’s mom had dated Rob for 5 years and I’m not sure at which point, but at some point, they moved in together.  Rob had two daughters and Emily’s mom, Elizabeth, had Emily and her brother.  I believe that Emily had lived with Rob and her mother together for about a year before they had broken up and because Emily was enrolled at the local school, Emily decided to stay with Rob and lived alone with him for about a year.  Emily had first met this man when she was 14 years old. (Remember that.  That’s important.)  One night, last month, it was a week before she had planned to go visit Rob again. 

“I’m not really comfortable with you going to stay with Rob.  Anything could happen and I really don’t trust him… I don’t know what it is about his pictures or his stories, but I don’t trust him.”  I believe this whole conversation came up after she had talked about how she liked to cuddle with Rob. 

“I understand, next time I go, I’ll just tell him that I’ll sleep on the couch.”  Emily said non-nonchalantly. 
“Wait…. Where do you sleep now?” I asked very directly with the knot in my stomach already starting to form in fear of the answer.
“In his bed…” She replied confidently. 
At this point I stood up.  I couldn’t believe what she was saying.  “You share his bed…?” I asked her angrily. 
“Yeah, it’s really comfortable and feels good on my back” She has scoliosis. 
“Do you cuddle when you fall asleep?” I asked
“Sometimes… Yeah… Look, we have to go.” It was getting late and I had about 5 minuets before the bus came to pick us up so we packed up and ran to the bus stop.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Rob the whole time.  Everything just got really weird.  
“So you cuddle til you fall asleep in his bed… Together… Does your mom know about this?” I asked her when we got on the bus.
“Yeah, my mom knows.” 
I didn’t know what to do… What kind of mother would allow her 19 year old daughter share a bed with a man who she’s barely known for 5 years…? 

Since I can’t really bear to think about this subject much longer I will clinch it with this:

“He crossed the line one time.” 
“Crossed the line how…?” I asked the question directly and quite angrily.
“He was giving me a back massage one time and then he started massaging my thigh and I pushed his hand away and told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it.”
I managed to keep my composure about that for one or two nights until I exploded on her over facebook.

In the end, it turns out that this man, Rob Taylor, has been fingering my girlfriend whenever she was with him ever since she met him.  They would be in the same house as Emily’s non-attentive mother and Elizabeth was never the wiser until I pulled it out of her.  The worst part was that it happened when I was still with her.  The even worse part of all of this was that the night that I yelled at Emily about all this, she thought it was all completely normal.  The sharing the bed, the massaging, the cuddling.  She thought it was all ok and yeah, her mom really did know all about it.  I would call those “red flags” but hey, maybe you become stupider as you age.  I have had such a conflicted identity ever since we discovered this indiscretion because while I have already shaped myself to do things the way that Emily likes them, those methods are also ways that Rob used to do it and whenever I remember that, I remember that it’s not my way of holding her, that it was how HE used to do it.  

Right now, there is an investigation into Rob’s child molestation and it looks like there’s a pretty strong case.  But again, I don’t know if I can ever trust Emily or look at her the same again…  She’s a very affectionate girl and I suppose that I do like that and I’m exactly the same, but as much as I want to, it’s so hard to forget the past.

I stared intently at the clock as the digital numbers counted upwards.  The time was 5:03 and it was just 12 minutes away from the time I was to pick up Emily for the Starbucks social we go to ever second and fourth Thursday.  All of a sudden, it hit me.  I really did want to kiss her last night.  What should I do? Should I make some lame, cheezy, romantic speech about how much of a fool I was for not planting my lips on hers as soon as I grabbed her right before taking her right there on the front porch?  Should I wait things out and see how the night progresses? So many different ideas shot through my mind that when I realized what was happening, it was already 5:18 and I was officially behind schedule.  I threw on my shoes and sprinted for the car, barely stopping to lock the door to my friend’s apartment behind me.  After getting caught in a bit of traffic and showing up almost 10 minutes late, I hopped out of the car, composed myself, and began my “cool” walk up to the front door.  Before I had a chance to go up the single step to the front door, it opened and I saw Emily’s smile for a brief second before she flung her arms around my neck and pulled me close.  With the added step, she was about my height.  As her head approached mine, I felt her plant a kiss on my cheek.  I reciprocated and held her tightly in my arms.  It was a little while before I saw her face again, but in time we pulled back and looked into each other’s smiling faces while simultaneously signing “how are you?” We giggled and I apologized and motioned for her to go first.
“How are you? How was your day?” She signed to me with one hand while digging her key out of her purse with the other.
“It was good… I didn’t really do anything, I got gas for the car and went to lunch with my friend… That was about it…” I slowly looked her up and down.  It was probably close to, if not over, 90 degrees outside and she had on long blue jeans and a red, button up, plaid shirt buttoned up half way with a black tank top underneath.  She was gorgeous, but I had to ask “It’s really warm out, are you sure you’re not overdressed…?”
She chuckled a bit and looked down at what she was wearing.  “No, I should be fine.  I get cold easily and it might get colder at night.”  She locked the door and hopped off the step to be right next to me.  I slipped my arm around her and I felt her hand slide around my side and then move up my back til it was right in the middle.  I pulled her closer into a sort of side hug as we walked to the car and she told me about her day.

We got in the car and it seemed that all the anxiety was gone, there was only Emily.  We chatted on the drive to Starbucks about family, preferred times of arrival (I apologized for being late, that’s how that conversation started), and other random topics.  Upon arriving at Starbucks, I thought back to all the times I saw her there and asked if she wanted something to drink only getting a “water’s fine” response.  In order to keep up “tradition” I asked her: “Do you want anything to drink?”
“Hmm… Get me the same thing you gave me last time.” She replied with a small smile.  The last time that I was there, I had ordered myself a Captain Crunch frappuchino and insisted she try it because it didn’t have any coffee in it (She doesn’t like coffee).  She surprised herself by liking it.
“Ok” I said with a beaming smile back at her.  “I’ll try something new for myself so you can try something new, ok?”
She beamed back at me.  “Sure!” She signed.  We poured over the secret menu I had saved in my phone and both decided that I should get the Cinnamon roll Frappuchino.  I ordered the drinks and handed her hers while also offering her a sip of mine (which she liked better).  We found seats next to each other and began chatting with the people around us and with each other.  Many times, the conversations with the other people would lull at the same time and we would fall back onto each other for amusement.  We joked back and forth and to me, the rest of the people started to sort of melt away.  As time went on, we were joined by my friend Colleen who had met Emily before and knew that we were dating.  Colleen had come over to us and began the basic chit chat and to my surprise, many times, Emily would finish sentences for me or answer questions for me (getting everything right, I might add) and I would do the same for her.
“You work at Cost Plus World Market right?” Colleen asked me.
As I began to sign “no” Emily answered in my stead.  “No, he works at _____.  He works mostly on the weekends and I work on weekdays.” She gave me a sympathetic look and put her hand on my leg.  I put my hand on hers and squeezed it a bit and smiled at her.  The rest of the conversation went a lot like that.  I would answer questions for Emily and she would answer questions for me.  It was quite endearing if you think about it.  As the night wore on, Emily would keep joking with me and putting her hand on my leg, causing me to hold onto her hand while we smiled at each other.  We wound up holding hands for the rest of the night while signing with our free hands.

We began chatting among ourselves and she had told me about a couple guys who had been stalking her at work.  I gallantly told her to point them out to me the next time she saw them if I was there.  She smiled at me and told me that she would.  She then asked about my grandfather who has been very ill as of late with just a few days to a couple weeks left to live.  I explained the story with my left hand while she took my right in both of hers.  I rubbed my thumb against her cold palms as I felt them warming up from my touch.  I would look her in the eyes and see a look of sadness and sympathy on her face.  I would often smile back and tell her that it was nothing to worry about yet and that I’m not too worried, just living day to day.  The conversation turned to the weather and the air conditioning being on full blast and how cold Emily was getting.  I told her to sit closer to me and instead she gave me a hug to see how warm I really was.  She was shocked at how warm she got from just a few seconds.  Throughout the night, the baristas would walk around and give us free samples of food and pastries and by the end of the event, each of us had eaten a sample of a random pastry, had a bag of their new “lemon loaf” and a cake pop.  As soon as Emily received her cake pop she got all excited because it was pink colored and she joked about how she planned to bring it to work and brag to everyone else who didn’t have one.  I endearingly looked at her and told her to take mine so she could brag more.  She smiled and insisted that she didn’t want it and of course I insisted right back that she take it.  Emily squeezed my hand a little bit an smiled at me, finally accepting my gift to her.  Soon after that, it was time to go.  We both stood up and I collected all the things on the table, leaving her hands free to sign and say bye to people while I did the same with my one free hand.  That is, when it wasn’t draped around Emily’s torso.  I went to hold the door open for her as I felt the blast of heat from the outside hit me.  Emily stepped out too, crossing her arms firmly across her chest in attempt to beat the cold.  I draped my arm around her as soon as she stepped outside and held her close, trying to warm her up faster.  We got back to the car and I set everything down and insisted again that she take the cake pop and that all the food was hers.
“Are you sure?” She asked me, pulling one of the cake pops wrapped neatly in a bag.  “It’s all pink and delicious looking… Are you suuuuure you don’t want to eat it?”  She had the goofiest smile on her face and was giggling through it.
“Yes.” I signed back with a smile.  “I’m sure.  It’s yours, bring it to work and show it off to everyone.”
Emily’s gaze softened along with her smile and she said “ok” putting the cake pop back in the center console with the rest of the food items.  I slowly stretched my arm out to pull her in closer to me and we came in for what looked like a hug, but as I felt her lips press against my cheek, I pulled back and she came into me and we were kissing.  I felt her soft lips against mine and her tongue flick against my own as we barely slowed down to breathe.  I felt her hands come up on the side of my neck, pulling my head towards her own.  While I had one arm around her, the other was holding the seatbelt which I quickly released to bring it around to hold her waist.  We kissed for what felt like blissful eternity until she pulled me closer to her, our cheeks moving past each other and I kissed her cheek down to her neck and collarbone where I gently kissed her over and over again, hearing her breathing heavily in my ear.  I moved her hair gently out of the way with one hand while I held her as close as I could with the other.  I kissed up her neck once more until I reached her cheek and was back again at her lips.  We kissed without pause nor second thought and our heads moved in perfect sync and nothing else seemed to matter except the two of us, right there, right then.  Every so often, she would pull me closer to her, begging me to kiss her neck again but I was gentle with it each time,  I didn’t want to be sending her home with any hickeys after all.  I don’t know how much time had passed, but eventually we stopped.  Both breathing heavily and smiling like idiots.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time…” I signed to her.
“Really?” She asked me, raising one eyebrow.  “How long?”
“Hmm…” I said, trying to think.  It was at this time that I realized that I was incapable of thought… I was surprised i was signing at all.  “I don’t know… just… a really long time.”  I reached out my arm to put my hand on her cheek and she pressed her cheek up against my hand and lightly kissed my palm.  I slowly stroked her cheek with my thumb and smiled at her.
“I wish you could just kiss me all night til I fall asleep.” She said to me slowly with a sly smile.
“I wish I could.  I don’t really want to go home anymore…” I told her.  I was planning on driving back home shortly after I dropped her off at home.  I pushed my hand back to hold the back of her neck and went back in for another few kisses before she said “We need to go.”  I agreed and we were off.  After we pulled out of the parking lot, I reached my right hand over and put it on top of her left and she intertwined her fingers with mine and held it tight, rubbing the top of my hand and my forearm with her right.

“I’ve never kissed a hearing boy before…” She told me with a small smile.
“Really?” I asked, receiving a small head shake in response.  “Well, how’d I do?”
Emily’s smile widened.  “Good.” She signed. I smiled back.  “Have you ever kissed another Deaf girl?” She asked me.
“No… Just you.” I said.  “I don’t have many opportunities to meet many Deaf girls.”
Emily simply said “oh” and her smile stayed and she kept rubbing my arm.  We chatted about past relationships and soon it became time to tell my story.  I paused for a while and Emily was afraid that she had offended me, offering that it was ok if I didn’t explain.  I assured her that I have no trouble talking about it, but it’s difficult to figure out where to begin.  I started at the end and told her my story, getting the same reactions that I got from everyone else who had ever heard it.  When Emily heard that Talitha was 19 as well, she asked me “Are you afraid that we would be similar since I’m 19 too?” With an added slight frown.
“No.” I said with a smile. “Definitely not.  She……”
“was screwed up?” Emily finished with a smile.
“Yes.” I said, grinning at her, “exactly.  You’re already 50 times better than she was.”  The next red light that we hit, she tugged at my arm til I was close enough for her to kiss and we made out until the light turned green.  Around this time, I thought I had gotten lost.  What had really happened was that I hadn’t gone far enough.  We drove around for about half an hour, finding time to steal kisses from each other at every red light until we found somewhere familiar to get us back.  The conversations didn’t stop though.
“Guess how long ago was the last time I kissed someone.” Emily requested.
“I don’t know… how long?” I asked.
“5 years.” She told me.
“Really?” I said incredulously.  “5 years? wow, that’s a long time…”
“What about you?” She asked.
“About nine months… Since I had broken up with my ex.”
“oh…” she said.  She began talking about a boy she dated for a couple months when she was 13 years old and it had taken her a whole year to get over him.  Apparently the guy was a bit of a player and it broke her heart and she left him.  I guess that bodes well for me.    I apologized profusely for making her so late and after many times saying “it’s fine, it’s fine” She threw me off by answering “It’s ok.  It gives me more time to make out with you.” I smiled at her and snuck in a kiss.  “Don’t worry about it, honey” She signed to me.  I looked at her adoringly.  Was she seriously giving me a cutesy nickname?  I honestly didn’t mind it though.  However, Honey is the name of her friend’s dog and of course I had to make a joke.
“Great,” I said.  “I have the same name as the dog…” I smiled at her as she laughed and pulled my arm towards her again for another kiss.

We drove and chatted until we finally arrived at her house.  I stole one last batch of kisses from Emily before she got out of the car, almost forgetting all the food she was given.  We waved bye to each other and I watched her slip into the house before backing down the drive.  I drove the rest of the way back to Chloe’s apartment slowly.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Emily and her kisses.  I wanted so bad to be able to keep her with me and kiss her all night long without falter.  I got back to Chloe’s place and began telling her about my amazing night while skipping over some minor details before I heard my ipod ding with a notification.

“I feel like I want to just kiss you forever…” Emily sent me with the obligatory “good night and sweet dreams.”
I smiled down at my ipod and Chloe immediately knew who it was as I typed out my response: “I miss you already… I wish I could just take you home with me and kiss you until we both fell asleep.  Good night beautiful.  Sweet dreams.” I added the romantically obligatory smile at the end and put down my ipod because I knew that my dear, sweet Emily was already asleep.

The drive home was a blur and all I remember doing was paying attention to the sparse red lights ahead of me and thinking about kissing Emily.  I remembered every detail precisely.  The way her skin smelled, the taste of her frapuchino on her breath, the coldness of her tongue against mine.  The smoothness of her skin under my fingers, the feeling of her cold little hands against my face as they got warmer with each passing second.  As I drove, I could almost feel the distance between us getting greater and greater to an almost unbearable level.  But I know that I will see her again soon.  I will do everything in my power that I can to make sure that I keep seeing this girl because for once in my life I’m getting the classic, movie-esque romance that I’ve always wanted.  I don’t think I’ve been this completely happy and content in a long time.