helplessromanticist

Whenever I would sit on the couch with Sophie, I’m never quite sure if I should be putting my arm around her or not, I never considered how odd it must be to slip your arm behind a person if they did or did not want it. Of course, every time, Sophie would slide forward a bit and lean into me whenever I would do it, but I would never know if there was a sign. It’s reached a point where I’ve stopped looking for signs and just go for it. Of course, the arm around trick is the most common form of contact besides kissing and the physical act of sex, but we’re branching out. When she would lean into me, her head would often lean against my shoulder and I would use my head to kind of keep it from rolling off. I liked doing this because whenever she would want to look at me, she would tilt her head back and I could see her eyes looking up at me and I steal opportunities like that to kiss the top of her head. Other times, she would lean her head against my head, and would often push back the curtain of hair separating our cheeks and our cheeks would touch and I could feel her soft skin against mine and when we would talk, it was a simple turn of our head to get the other to turn as well and we would say what we wanted and turn back to the TV. One night, though, I had turned to say something to her from this position and her head did not move. So I kissed her cheek. She did not seem particularly bothered by this, but I just simply turned and continued watching the movie. Another thing she would do is lay down over me, with her back supported by my stomach and I would reach around and cradle her head in my arm with the other arm draped over her torso holding one of her hands. Often in times like these, she would once again pull back her curtain of hair and the skin on my arm would come into contact with her cheek. From this position, she would often turn her head slightly upwards to look at me and say whatever it was she wanted to say. She could see me smile and I could see her smile and each of us seeing that made the other smile just a little bit more.
An issue of hers is cracking her knuckles. It’s a nasty habit that could cause arthritis, something she does not want to get. When she was trying to convince me to stay last week while I was trying to call it off, one of the things she said was “Who will help me stop cracking my knuckles” so of course, now I must make sure she doesn’t do that. My only solution to this is grabbing her hands and holding them in mine. It doesn’t matter where we’re sitting, how we’re sitting, or what we’re even doing, I will always grab her hands whenever I see her start to crack her knuckles. Even if I’m driving, if out of the corner of my eye, I see her hands start to get closer together or her hands go up to her chin, I will take her hand in my right hand and steer with my left. It has gotten to the point where I try so hard to get her to stop cracking her knuckles that as soon as we sit down, I take both her hands in mine and hold them until she slips one out. I would typically let the slipped hand go until it begins to make a motion of cracking itself. It’s also a really nice excuse to hold her hands, I’m not sure if that’s why she does it half the time or not…
Another thing that I find funny is my parents. We’re almost always hanging out at my house and my parents are usually walking around although they give us plenty of time to ourselves. Before we had our talk, whenever one of my parents would walk into the room, she’d move away slightly and I would be forced to draw my hand/arm back and we would seem like two innocent people just watching a movie. More recently, however, she doesn’t seem to care what my parents think. Even when my parents ask us a question, she will keep holding my hand and I would keep my arm around her and more often than not, she answers the question before I do. Even with her family, I’m not quite sure what I am to them. I thought for the longest time that I was just “Sophie’s new friend” but while hanging out with her brothers, I think she’s presenting me as “Sophie’s new boyfriend.” While hanging out in her room, I sat on her bed and she sat next to me with her laptop, but when her dad was coming, she told me to sit in the chair across from her. I understood that and did as she requested, but later, when her youngest brother (Three brothers live with them), came in to talk to us (he’s an attention whore, but I kinda like the kid), She began to lean on me and we would sit as close as we did when we were at my house although this was the same day that I was trying to avoid intimate contact because that was what i thought she wanted. Of course, I had my arm outstretched behind her to give myself support while she leaned on me, but our faces were still within inches of each other. Even when her brother asked “Do you guys really have to sit that close?” Sophie simply answered “Well, this netbook is small and it’s hard to see from far away.” I wasn’t quite sure if that was her reasoning for us sitting so close or her way of saying “We’re sitting close and it’s not going to change.” When her father came back in, we both heard him coming, but when I asked if I should move to the chair, she said “No, it doesn’t matter.” Later when we had gone outside (as I had mentioned before in the “Sequels” post) she had leaned on me and moved my arm around her and held my hand while her oldest brother, John, was standing right there watching. Hell, she even brought me along with her to hang out with John at Safeway when John had called her to speak to her alone. She assumed that it was a conversation about how he would be supportive of her and give her the big brother talk because of her new “relationship” and if she didn’t display me as a “boyfriend,” I doubt that she would be in that predicament.
I am quite unsure of how she feels about me because her words say that she doesn’t like me, while her actions are saying that she does. I have no idea how to handle this kind of situation, but for now I will keep doing what I’m doing because I believe it feels right and good, and if it feels good, do it. No one’s getting hurt… yet…. right?

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Since the last post, I have only missed two days of talking to Sophie, however, things have gotten… interesting… On Tuesday, Sophie was studying for her Calculus test that she was quite worried about for Wednesday. Understanding this, I simply sent her a text wishing her luck. No response. “Good, she’s focused” I said to myself. The next day, we had planned to hang out and watch The Terminator after her test and give her time to relax. While we watched the movie, we sat very close to each other and I eventually put my arm around her because that seemed like what she wanted… We sat like this for the entire movie, talking quietly and making jokes about the movie very intimately until it was time to go home. While I drove, I decided that I was going to show her some of the songs that I had been posting on this blog. The one that I was most apprehensive about was “Why Don’t You Kiss Her?” by Jesse McCartney, but I showed her anyways. She really seemed to like the song, but seemed to quiet down a bit after hearing it. I dropped her off at home without a hitch and waited for her to come online, although I had forgotten that earlier, she had said that her internet wasn’t working. Since I had gotten her home later that I should have, I also sent her a text asking if she got into any trouble. No response. I began to wonder if showing her the song was the wrong move. Time passed slowly and eventually I went to bed, wondering what it was I did wrong. We had made plans to hang out on Friday, so Thursday, I sent her a text asking what the plan was, while in reality, I knew the plan (pick her up from the library after her study session and then watch more movies) but I had needed a reason to text her… No response.
Later that night, she came onto skype. I sent her “Are we not texting anymore?” No response. Several minutes later I sent “Or are we just not talking at all…?” No response. A couple minutes later, she signed off. I went to check facebook and received a notification saying that she had liked one of my statuses, however as soon as I refreshed the page, the “liked status” notification disappeared and her name was no longer underneath that status. Here, I was thinking that showing her that song was a really bad idea and I began to make peace with never seeing her again and never talking to her again. After about 2 hours of talking myself and pacing back and forth, I made peace with it and went to sleep. I woke up Friday morning completely fine with not talking to her, although I felt like it needed some closure.
“So are we just not hanging out today? Is this really the end of it, after all the fighting? Could you at the very least send a yes or a no?” Not two minutes after I sent this did I begin to receive a call on my iPod from Sophie. I was very confused because whenever she did this, she usually rectified it by calling my cell phone immediately. This time, however, the call to my iPod would not drop. Out of concern, I called her back with my cell phone only to hear: “We’re sorry, but the Verizon customer you are trying to reach has restrictions set to their phone.” Suddenly, I became very confused. Because my mother was using the home phone, I snagged her cell phone and immediately dialed Sophie’s number.
“Hey, it’s me, what’s up?”
“What’s up? What was that text all about?!?”
“What do you mean? I sent you like 4 texts over the last couple days and you didn’t reply to any of them, then you went and ignored me on skype, and then you revoked a “like” to my status!!”
“What? I didn’t get any texts from you until just now…”
“I sent them, I have proof…”
“Well, I tried to call you too, but it says that there are restrictions or something…”
“…. I got that when I called you too… I think your dad blocked my number…”
“Yeah… good thing he doesn’t know about your iPod…”
“So we’re still on for today then?”
“Yeah, let me go grab my little brother’s phone cuz he doesn’t use it and I can use that to call you.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you later, sorry about all this…”
“It’s understandable, I’ll see you later” *click*
So off I went to court to pay off the ticket I had received a few weeks prior and called her on my return. When I picked her up, we came back to my house to watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Die Hard. Around 7, we both began to get hungry and in an attempt to impress her, I decided to cook. Using the few vegetables we had lying around the house, meat in the freezer, and some “Philidelphia cooking creme” I whipped up an amazing pasta dish which Sophie absolutely loved. While I cooked, again, she came over and sat on the counter next to the stove and talked to me while music blared, or she was sitting across the Island on my laptop checking facebook, or just wandering around in general.
After eating, Sophie received a call from her oldest brother saying that he wanted to talk to her in private. Sophie really didn’t want to have this talk with her brother and asked if it was ok if I joined them. Her brother agreed and we went to meet up with him at Safeway. We popped the cover off the back of my dad’s Truck and wound up hanging out in the truck listening to music and talking in the parking lot of Safeway. I had brought up how their father had blocked my number, but her brother, let’s call this one John, didn’t seem at all surprised. John did say, also, that their father had also cancelled the phone of the youngest brother because he found out why she was using it. We had hung out for another hour or so until they realized that they had to get home in order to not incur their parents’ wrath. We said our good byes and got in our cars and went our separate ways. Upon arriving home, I received a skype message from Sophie saying “I think my dad put restrictions on my phone…”
“What?”
“I have no idea… I just tried sending a text and it said that it was past the time or something…”
“Seriously… he can do that?”
“Apparently…”
And so now, I can only communicate to Sophie via Facebook, Skype, or texts before 7. Unless I use a different phone number, I can not talk to her before 7 either. Communication has gotten quite tricky, but we’re finding ways to make it work. Somehow, this communication barrier that her father has created between us has forced us, physically, closer together. Since we can no longer spend the time between 7 and 6 in the morning texting or calling each other, we have seen each other every day since. Every day we see each other, we sit very closely on the couch with my left arm around her side, her leaning against me with her head on my shoulder and her left hand in my right. Our voices rarely raised above a whisper because that’s all that is needed when one’s lips are only centimeters from ears that want to hear everything the other person is saying. Again, I knew that I had made the right decision to stay because every time I put my arm around her, it feels right, it feels like she fits there perfectly. I also know that if someone is willing to try as hard as she is to stay in contact with me despite the whole world being against it, I want to be right there fighting with her.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

I’m sure you’ve all figured out that my relationship with Sophie did not end that night when I had posted that I did. After texting her back, I had gone to sleep only to wake up to another text from her. Once again, we picked up where we left off and made everything feel as normal as possible. At night, she called me and we continued talking, towards the end of our conversation, she repeated the words “Don’t go…” several times.
“Don’t go…”
“You know that I don’t want to, but eventually this will come up again.”
“Don’t go…”
“Alright… If it’ll help, I’ll give you a month. You have til October 16th to talk to me, but on that day, I’ll make a final decision.”
“Alright… but… Don’t go.”
“I’ll be here for a little while…”
Eventually we fell asleep together on the phone and in the middle of the night, her phone died. The next day, we talked some more over text because she was still in Nevada with her brother. That night, she went back home and continued texting me and called me when she got tired. We talked for a while and we got to the point where I usually read her a story. After the first story, I said “Well, what did you think?” In response, I heard a light groan and again, “Don’t go…” I ignored this request and continued to ask if she wanted another book. “Don’t go…”
“How about Strega Nona?”
“Don’t go…”
And I began the story. After finishing the book, I again asked “What did you think?”
“Don’t go…”
I sighed and said “I have another 30 days to figure out what I want to do. So for right now, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Don’t go…”
“… We’ll see how things go. You sound tired, you should sleep.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. Now go to sleep, you have to get up early tomorrow.”
“Alright. Good night.”
“Good night. Sweet dreams.”
“Sweet dreams.” *click*
I went to sleep with 80% of me wanting to stay with the other 20% thinking that I should go. I wanted so badly to stay, but I also wanted very badly to be able to hold her closer than any man would ever hold a woman.
The next day, everything was going normally until I went down to school for my evening class. I decided to go to school about half an hour early and meet with Sophie to give her a well deserved hug for the trouble I had put her through. I walked and talked with her down to the first floor and then gave her her hug and asked “What are you going to do now?”
“Well, I have to call my mom and go home.”
“I could drive you if you want?”
“Don’t you have class?”
“Yeah, I could make it back in time though.”
“Alright.”
So we climbed in my car and we were off. Several minutes later, we arrived at her house where we sat in the car talking. A short time later, her brother came out and started talking to us as well while convincing us to move our hang out into the garage. We hung out in their garage for a bit messing with knives, punching bags, and weights until Sophie offered for me to come inside. I followed her and then we were hanging out in her kitchen. Long story short, I didn’t go to class that night and we hung out at her house all day until her father came home and requested that I leave by 9:00. At 9, the time I was supposed to be leaving, Sophie and her older brother snuck me out to the back yard where we continued hanging out while gazing at the amazing view. I remembered the words that Sophie had said when she told me that she wished that I didn’t like her and how she only thinks of me as a friend and I tried to not make any presumptuous moves, but then she began to lean on me. I thought it was merely a fluke until she said “You better not move, I’m putting all my weight on you.” So as a joke, I took a small step back, careful that it wasn’t enough to let her fall and caught her as she screamed, laughing. I put my arm around the small of her back, careful not to wrap my hand around her side in a more intimate gesture. I stood with my arm outstretched with her leaning on it with my fist clenched on the other side to flex my muscles and ensure that she didn’t fall. While the two of us were standing like this, Sophie’s brother was standing in front of us talking to us about random things. At this point, Sophie (On my left side) reached her right arm around and took my hand in hers and bringing it around in the wrapping fashion that I was trying to avoid. I wasn’t quite sure what she was intending to do, but her brother noticed. He didn’t say anything about it, but I knew that he noticed it. Strange thing was: She didn’t let go of my hand, she had moved my hand around her waist and held my hand there. Around 9:20, she said “Alright, we have to stage your leaving.” She kept my hand in hers and intertwined her fingers in mine so we were holding hands and guided me back towards the house. I was still quite confused. We went out through the side gate to my car which was parked one house down and we began to work out the plan. After figuring everything out, she threw her arms around me and held me tight. “You’re a moron…” she said squeezing me tighter. I put my arms around her and gently said “I know. But I’m sure you understand why I need to do this…”
“Just shut up.” She leaned her head against my shoulder and held me tighter which made me coil my arms just a little bit tighter around her as well.
“Hey,” I said, leaning back a little bit. She pulled her head back as well and we were looking into each others’ eyes from a mere couple inches away. I put my hand on the side of her face and brushed the hair away. “If it means this much to you, I’ll stay. I’ve been thinking about it enough for the last couple days and I really do want to stay, so if you’re feeling this strongly about it, I’ll stay, okay?” She smiled and put her head back on my shoulder and I squeezed her a little bit.
“Moron…” As she said that, I began to look up just so I’d have an excuse to look into her eyes and that’s when I saw someone coming.
“Hey… someone’s coming…” It was her father.
“Do you have any idea what time it is??” Her father asked, I could hear the anger in his tone.
I slapped my pockets knowing full well that my phone was right there. “I don’t know, my phone’s in my car…”
“I don’t have my phone either…” Sophie said.
“Well go look in your car then!! It’s not that hard!!”
I unlocked my door and rustled around for my iPod and turned it on and looked at the time, it was 9:30. “Oh, wow, it’s 9:30” I said trying to hold back the sarcasm.
“Yes, and what time did I ask you to leave?”
“Nine…?”
“Yes, nine, and now you’re half an hour late. You need to be more responsible” He then turned to Sophie. “Both of you need to be more responsible! Now you get inside and you” Turning to me “need to go home!”
“Alright, alright, sorry.” I waved to Sophie as she began to walk back towards her house and climbed into my car and drove off. As I drove off, I knew that I should have felt intimidated or something like that, but I didn’t… I was sad that our plan didn’t work and I had to leave Sophie’s side so early and that amazing embrace had to be cut so short by such a circumstance. I also thought about what I had said and I knew that I had made the right choice. After that night, I knew that I had to stay, that I wanted to stay, that if this is how things were going to be, she would be all I needed. It’s true, I still loved her and I still do love her and even though it may not be the thing to save me, it’s still a feeling that I harbor for her that will never go away.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Love. It’s a fickle word that is thrown around a lot. It’s capable of saving someone and it’s capable of destroying them. I always hoped that love would save me one day, but over the years, it has done nothing but hurt me. Tonight was the last time.
“I’ve been really curious…. why did you block me for those several months?” A simple question that marked the beginning of the end for Sophie and myself. She avoided answering for a while, trying to change topics until finally we reached silence. After a while, I was ready to surrender and move on to something else, but then she told me.
“I was hoping that you’d stop liking me if I ignored you long enough.”
We talked about how we had reached the point in our friendship that knowing this wouldn’t change how we were and I was happy with that and began to move on.
“No more questions?” she asked.
“You seem to have had a hard enough time with the last one, I think I can hold off for now.” but that wasn’t good enough, apparently. We kept talking and got to the point where I began to like her and I told her everything. I was able to recount everything that happened the first couple times we hung out and everything that she did that made me start to like her. We talked for another half hour until we reached a point where I had to decide if I wanted to keep talking to her despite everything or if we should go our separate ways. I told her how much I liked her, how I never stopped liking her and how I’ve felt throughout the entire time I had known her. She told me that she was glad that I enjoyed my time with her as I berated her for being glad that she caused me to like her and become so infatuated with her.
“im glad i stopped ignoring you because then we never would have really become friends but i still wish you didn’t like me.” Those last words rang through my head louder than anything else I had ever heard. “I still wish you didn’t like me.” That meant that every time she leaned into me when I put my arm around her, the night she stayed and cuddled with me, everything that had given me an inkling of hope for “us” was empty.
Eventually it all came down to my decision to break ties. I asked her where we were at in our “friendship” and she told me that she didn’t know.
“i shouldn’t have stayed at your house that night and then we wouldn’t be here” With both of us confused as to where we were, I decided that it had to be said.
“then i guess to ensure that there’s no more confusion, there’s only one option…”
In response, I got a phone call. Over the next two hours, we talked and she tried to convince me to not disappear on her.
“Why can’t you just be annoyed with what I do? So when you look at me, you’ll think of those things and we can just go back to how we were?”
“Because nothing you do annoys me.”
Here, she began listing off things that annoyed her about herself. Each one, I had a reason that it made me like her even more.
“Who will help me stop cracking my knuckles?”
“I’m sure you’ll find someone else to hold your hands.”
“Who else am I going to hit?”
“That’s what you have brothers for”
“I don’t talk to anyone else about my life…”
“There are plenty of other guys who want to know everything about you.”
At this point, tears began to come to my eyes, and I wept silently for a short while wondering what the fuck it was that I was doing. Why was I doing this? Was I really mad at all? She began to bring up things that we did together that was fun, almost everything in fact. She began to remember things that I was starting to forget about and it didn’t help the sadness that was welling inside. We agreed that we would talk until one of our phones died, and so we kept right on talking until my phone started beeping that it had a low battery. She kept bringing up stories and how happy she was that we became friends after she unblocked me, but I remained stoic. I didn’t want to change my mind on the issue.
“I’ll miss you…” she said.
“I’ll miss you more… believe me, I’ll miss you way more than you could ever possibly miss me.” I said as I felt the tears coming back. I blinked furiously trying to trap them in my eyes while I kept my breathing normal and stopped my voice from quivering. Several times during that conversation did I forget that I intended to stop talking to her, but the bitter reminder kept coming back that after my phone died, that was the end. She kept talking to me right up til the end when I heard the “low battery” sound twice and the swoshing sound of the ATT bars turning my phone off. As soon as my phone went blank, I slumped over on my bed and began to cry. I hated the fact that I couldn’t talk to her anymore just to prove a point. I hated that I would never see her again. I hated that I would never hear her voice or her laugh again. I hated that I lost one of the few things that made me truly happy. I hated that all the effort I put into her has gone to waste. But I still love her. Even now as I receive a text asking me if I’m really going to leave, I am using every fiber of my being to not pick up my ipod and tell her that I love her so dearly and I do not mean what I said, but I know that if I say that, this heartache will only be drawn out longer, and I do not want that. I can’t look at anything in my room and not be reminded of her. I can’t think of any memory of the past year that makes me think of her. I can’t even move without thinking of some way that it associates to her. I love her so fucking much that I can’t even contain myself. I want so badly to pick up another phone and call her back just to hear her voice again. I want so badly to text her back and tell her to not leave me, that I can’t stand living without her in my life. I was so ready before to accept that she didn’t like me and continue keeping my feelings at bay, why can’t I do that now? Why is this killing me so much inside? Why, of all things, can’t this be a dream? Is this really the end?
NO. fuck that. I can’t live without her, I’m going to text her back saying that I’m sorry and I do still like her and although that will never change, I want her in my life more than anything. Fuck the points I was trying to make. To me, everything is meaningless without her around. I love her. I will always love her. No matter who I meet, where I go, or what I do, I will always have room for her in my heart. If that space is removed, I will never be whole and I know it. So fuck it. I don’t care what I should be doing. I don’t care how unhealthy this is. I want her. I need her in my life. Reaching an ending was my intent, but no. Not anymore. The end will come, I know it will. She knows it will. But that ending will not come today.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Over this past weekend, Sophie was staying with her sister in a city not too far away, but not exactly close either. She and I would text each other all day and at night, we would call each other and not hang up until one of our phones died. Yesterday, I went back to my hometown to do some yard work with my parents and I was still texting Sophie. I had been complaining about how my parents said that they didn’t want to get pizza from my favorite place and that I could get it another time. Sophie suggested that I just take the car and go get some, I liked that idea.
“Would you want any?” I asked.
“I’m with my sister, remember?”
“Yeah, but when you get home tonight, I could bring you some.”
“Sure :)”
And so the plan was set, I would get pizza and then I would have an excuse to see her. The day wore on and I had gotten the pizza and we were on our return trip back home, Sophie wouldn’t arrive until 10 and we got back at 7. I watched TV and killed time by texting Sophie until I realized that I didn’t know what was going to happen.
“Wait… what’s the plan for tonight? Am I just waiting for your parents to fall asleep then I drop pizza off at your house?”
“No, I’ll come outside and we can hang out or something :)”
I was dumbfounded. While I was settling for merely catching a glimpse of her face in the moonlight on her porch, she intended to see me for a longer period of time in a more well lit place: my house. After what felt like days, the time finally came to go pick her up. I called her when I was outside, just like old times despite the new rules that had been put in place. She came out wearing a simple tank top and sweatpants. She climbed in the car and we were off. Part of me could not believe that after getting in trouble so recently, we were still trying this again.
When we got back to my house, we ate our cold pizza and talked at the counter like we usually did, I stood on one side while she took a bar stool on the other. She soon remembered that she had pictures from when she was doing a modeling session with her sister earlier that day. Because I had expressed an interest in them, she had brought them along to show me. I retrieved my laptop from upstairs and went back down to join her on the couch. We sat side by side, I was unsure if it was still ok for me to put my arm around her, so I didn’t…. for about 20 minutes. As we neared the end of the pictures, I slipped my arm around her again, and she took my right hand (The hand that was around her) in her left and held it. We went through the pictures and talked a bit more about whatever came to mind. Eventually, she began to kind of lay down and my arm was draped across her torso again with her body resting against mine and her head against my stomach. With my other arm, I reached around and stroked her shoulder and depending on what was being talked about, I brushed hair out of her face and stroked her cheek. Time went on (About 3:00 in the morning by now) and we began to watch something on my laptop. She found many scenes quite cheezy and in turn buried her face in my chest laughing. At moments like these, I wrapped my arms around her tightly and held her as she laughed. After the show ended, the lights were off, I closed my laptop, and she rested against me and we continued to talk. At one point, while we were both being a little quiet, I hear a soft “hah…”
“What?” I ask looking down at her with a small smile.
“Nothing… I can hear your heart beating.” She gazed up at me and smiled her cute little crooked smile.
“I suppose this proves that I have one…” As I reached down to the base of her neck to feel for her pulse, but stupidly, I couldn’t find it.
“Do you want my wrist?” she asked innocently.
“I wish I was able to find it on first try, but I thing it would be easier to use your wrist.” After a few milliseconds, I found her pulse and said “Heh, see? you have one too.” She looked up at me and smiled.
“Bullshit…” She murmured and rolled her head in towards me and closed her eyes. I watched her as she slept because she looked so peaceful, so beautiful, and felt so right in my arms that I couldn’t help but be fascinated that she was here yet again. A little while later, she looked up and saw me looking.
“What?”
“‘What?’ what?”
“Why are you looking at me?”
“Because you’re beautiful and it’s hard to not look at you.”
This time she giggled and said “thank you?” with that questioning tone at the end.
“Haha, you’re welcome, you know it’s the truth too.”
“Shenanigans…” she said as she rolled her head in towards me again. I was leaning down already so she could hear me as I whispered to her and as our heads got closer, I brushed the hair away from her forehead and kissed it. There was no response. I wasn’t sure what to expect either, so I took it as a good sign. As I began to get more sleepy, my head fell forward more, but we were still talking. Eventually her head rolled back in and our lips were right next to each other. I wanted so bad to kiss her right there and I could feel my heart beat begin to rise and I was about to do it when we heard footsteps coming from upstairs. Quickly she looked away as I looked up to see if it was just our minds playing tricks on us, but when we looked back at each other and saw the panic in each others’ eyes, we knew what we heard.
I listened as my mothers footsteps came out of her room and went down the hallway to my room where they stopped and turned back heading for the stairs.
“Shit…” whispered Sophie as she got up and crept into the back room.
I stealthily went around the corner to see what was going on, sure enough, it was my mom coming down the stairs, but I don’t think she saw me. I quickly went back to the couch and pretended to be asleep. As my mom entered, she tripped over a dustpan I had left in the middle of the walk way presenting me with the perfect opportunity to be “startled awake.”
“What the…? Who? what time is it…?” I said groggily.
“What are you doing down here?” My mom said accusingly.
“I was tired after dropping Sophie off that I just thought I’d take a nap here… what are you doing up? what time is it?”
“You should be going to sleep in your own bed, do you have any idea what time it is?”
By this time, I had gotten up and began walking towards my mother, along the way I fumbled around for the clock and held it very close to my face to see that it was about 4:20 in the morning.
“Go to bed” my mother said as she began to clean up around the kitchen.
“No, no, it’s fine, you got me up, I still have to put away the pizza anyways, you go to sleep.” I said, half pleading. We went on like that for about 10 minutes until she noticed Sophie’s purse and shoes.
“What’s this?” she asked me.
“Oh shit… Sophie must’ve forgotten that, I’ll give it to her tomorrow.”
“Where’s Sophie?” my mother seemed particularly angry now.
“Home… where else?”
“Tell me the truth…” She said as she pushed past me towards the back bedroom where Sophie was hiding. “Sophie? Where are you?” She found her way into the bathroom and discovered Sophie’s hiding spot. After a few “There’s no reason you guys should be up so late”s and “Why aren’t you at home?” she went to wake up my father to take Sophie home while she interviewed me. Seeing as this isn’t really the point of the blog, I won’t bore you with details. Basically, my mother and I yelled at each other a bunch and I didn’t get in trouble except for the fact that we argued until 5:30 and I had to be up at 7.
Today, I went to class and everything went normal, mornings were the same, car conversations were the same, and I had realized that Sophie had left class notes at my house, so I would have to return them later. During my break, Sophie got to school (About 10:00 AM) and I had planned to meet her at school then to return them, for she needed them for a test the next day. After delivering the notes, she asked how my conversation with my mother went and I asked her how her conversation with my father went. Both had the same effect, awkwardness. I had gotten to school at 10:30 and we wound up talking until after I had to be in class. We said our “talk to you later”s and went our separate ways.
I kept thinking about last night and every night that we’ve done something. We’ve gotten in trouble almost every time we were out together, but I know that it’s always worth it because I’m always happiest when I’m with her. I may not know how she feels too, but after kissing her forehead and getting dangerously close to crossing the line tonight, I know that I still feel as strongly for her as I ever have if not even more so. If she felt the kiss and chose not to respond, I believe that it is alright and I will probably continue to do so until she addresses the issue. Two times now have we both gotten in trouble for being together past midnight, but I doubt that means we’re going to stop. And I never want it to stop.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist.

I haven’t posted in a while, but that is because I haven’t seen Sophie since Wednesday when I heard about her punishment for staying at my house for the night. The tentative punishment was: changing community colleges, blocking my number in her phone, taking her laptop, removing her name from the car insurance, and never seeing me again. When I had arrived at school for my evening class, Sophie was awaiting me at my usual parking space. I got out of the car and she stood next to me and we began to walk. I put my arm around her and asked her what was wrong, for she had looked pretty sad. This is when she told me the potential punishments. In shock, I stopped walking and she slipped out of my arm and my arm dropped. I couldn’t believe it, after the greatest night of my life, an particularly defining night, if I do say so myself, I was going to lose her. I was freaking out inside, but on the outside, all I could do was apologize. Several times, she reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and that she was the one who didn’t want to go home and she was the one who wanted to see me, but I insisted that if I didn’t feel all depressed, if I didn’t have my doubts about our friendship, and if I didn’t listen to her when she requested to be picked up, none of this would’ve happened.
“Why are you so worried?” She asked me.
“I just don’t want to lose you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and…. You can’t go…”
“You won’t lose me. There are home phones, I can say I’m with someone else, my dad doesn’t know that you text from your ipod, and he doesn’t have to know either.”
These words made me feel a little bit better that even though the odds were stacked against us, she was working on finding a way to make it work. She managed to keep a straight face the entire time and maintained a strong composure while I panicked. Soon she said “You have to go to you’re class, you’re going to be late” and went into the language center to wait for her mom to pick her up. I watched her go in, speechless. I stood at the window and watched her put a smile on her face and walk over to talk to her boss. The whole class, I was unable to focus. Nothing else seemed to matter, I didn’t care for the subject, I couldn’t take notes, I couldn’t even answer questions right. After class, I rushed home to text Sophie to see what happened. “What’s the damage?” my text read. In response, I got a call. It was great to hear her voice again.
“Nothing really, I lost my laptop, my name was taken off the car insurance, so I can’t drive, I still have my phone and everything, and whenever you pick me up, my dad wants you to come to the front door and meet people and shit…”
“Wait… not only is your dad allowing you to see me still, he wants to meet me again and every time I go get you?”
“Yeah…”
“Well alright then… As long as I still get to see you.”
We talked for another hour until she had to go do something saying that she would call me back or something, it was very muffled and I said “Alright” and hung up. She didn’t call back that night. I didn’t care though, I found out what I wanted to find out and it was already late. It would’ve been no surprise if she had fallen asleep, she didn’t get any the night before, after all.
Ever since Tuesday, I have been showering her with flattering comments and both in text and in voice, she has responded with “You’re full of shit” or “Bullshit” or “I call Shenanigans”. Each time, we’re both laughing when she says that and I’m not quite sure if that’s a good thing or not, but I’d like to be optimistic for once. Since she no longer had her laptop, we have begun texting going back and forth over the course of an entire day. Thanks to that, all instances where I would doubt our relationship is filled with time talking to her. I’ve noticed that whenever I don’t talk to her, I begin to doubt our relationship and consider breaking it off. In contrast, whenever I do talk to her, I only feel love for her and I never want to stop talking to her and how perfectly we go together. Now that all our time is spent talking to each other, all options of doubt are gone and love is all that remains. I say “love” loosely because I am aware that love is something that is shared between two people and seeing as I am unsure of how she feels about me, it is still just a word or a concept and not yet a reality for us. Because she has lost her laptop, I have not seen her in several days and I do miss seeing her so. We still talk on the phone at night and I love hearing her voice, but although she has a beautiful voice, she still has a beautiful face that I love to look at to see her expressions to certain things that I say. I hope to “bump into her” sometime over the course of the next week, but if I don’t, I know for certain that I will see her Friday and every day this coming weekend, for Hiroshi is coming to visit me and Sophie is tagging along every day. Perhaps with this outside help, I can make a few more moves (That’s a hint, Hiroshi…). With luck, Sophie’s family will be going to Nevada for the weekend and she would be able to spend the night with us as well and I’ll be able to hold her in my arms as we sleep once more. Right now, it seems like her little brother and her mother are staying in California and have so far decided to not go. If anyone reading this prays, please pray for me that Sophie’s mom changes her mind and takes her brother with her to Nevada, for I will be forever in your debt.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

A couple nights ago, I was still trying to figure out whether or not I should continue talking to Sophie. After I had went on a random rant about nothing, I used that as a reason to stop talking for the night and went to bed early. Yesterday, however, while hanging out with Belle, She said something that really got me thinking.  After telling her how I felt and everything that had happened, she said that perhaps Sophie saw how I felt and started trying to get to know me and possibly give me a shot.  While I was still confused about how I felt about Sophie, it made me feel a  little bit better and made me  thing that maybe I had a shot.  Later that day, I got a message from Sophie asking if I was ok. I told her yes and apologized for the entire fiasco and explained that I’ve been trying to figure out some things and I just couldn’t handle it all. I also promised that I would be on later that night if she wanted to talk. A couple hours later, she came on and began to talk to me. It wasn’t the usual lighthearted random conversation we usually had, rather, it was me being very depressing and confused about the “stuff I was thinking about.” Eventually I got to the point where I said that she should just abandon this friendship we claim to have because I know that it wouldn’t work out in the coming years and it wasn’t any sort of her fault and it was purely me. Here, she began to say that I shouldn’t be alone when I’m like that and I should go pick her up. I denied her many times telling her that it was already too late to do that and she had better things to do but she became very persistent with this and around 10:00, I gave in. By this time, I was feeling a little bit better and had managed to put the issues out of my head and with Sophie next to me in the car, I don’t think I could feel any better. We got back to my house where I had told my parents that Sophie was having a bad day and needed to get away from home for a while. Of course, we both said that it was ok with her parents as well. At about 11:00, Sophie got a text from her brother, I’m not sure what it said, but it elicited an “uh oh…” from Sophie. The phone calls that followed barraging both my phone and her phone, none of which were answered, left messages from Sophie’s father saying “You need to bring Sophie home now.” I got at least 4 messages like that, we deleted them as we got them. After the first couple messages, Sophie sat down on the couch and I could tell she was conflicted. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her to console her. As I reached my arm out, she leaned in and put her head on my shoulder and I asked her how bad she thought it was and what she wanted to do. She wasn’t sure yet of the severity and wasn’t sure what she was going to do. Of course, gentleman that I am, I offered my house up to her. Of course, it would all be without my parents knowing. She thanked me and proceeded to call her brother to get a damage report.
“Hey, how bad is it?” she asked.
“On a scale of 1 to “murder (me)”, it’s “murder (me)” said her brother.
“Fuck…” and the conversation went on a little longer, but it’s not quite relevant to this story. All the while she was on the phone, her head was against my shoulder and my arm was around her body drawing circles in her upper arm with my thumb. When she got off the phone, I leaned my head against hers and said “What do you want to do?”
“I think…. I don’t think I want to go home tonight.”
“Do you want to crash here? or is there somewhere else you want me to take you?”
“Would it be alright if I stayed here?”
“Yeah, totally. We plenty of spare room that you could use, front room, guest room, you could even crash in my room and I’ll take the floor.”
“Thank you.” She chose the bed in the front room, as isolated from the rest of the house as a room could be, a room that my parents didn’t visit often in their morning routines. The time was now about 11:30 and Sophie called her father to tell him that she wasn’t coming home.
“Hi dad, it’s me. I know that you have to wake up early tomorrow so I just want you to know that I don’t want you to stay up for me. I’m going to be staying at (my) house….. I’m completely safe…. I’m probably safer here than I would be anywhere else.” That last bit made me smile and I’m pretty sure Sophie noticed. After the phone call ended, she turned off her phone so her parents couldn’t track her with their fancy GPS apps. We stayed up for a little while finishing up homework that we had and eventually got to talking to my friend, Hiroshi. Sophie was giving him shit for verbal skills, typing skills, and general shit giving and we were both laughing hysterically.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” I said, sliding my arm around her once more. Once again she leaned into me as well with a gentle chuckle and kept typing. At this point, we were sitting at the kitchen counter on bar stools and at about 3:00, we decided to go out to where Sophie was going to sleep and keep talking to Hiroshi. We sat down on the couch, me first and her right next to me leaning on my shoulder waiting for me to slip my arm around her and I didn’t want to disappoint her. We sat there for about 20 minutes making fun of Hiroshi until she began to set her alarm. I warned her that she may have to keep the volume on low and be very careful that it didn’t wake anyone else in the house or draw attention to that room. “The only room in the house that you would be able to have an alarm as loud as you want whenever you want is probably my room, if you wanna crash in there.”
“Yeah…”
“‘yeah..’ what? yeah you are going to keep your phone volume low?”
“haha, no. “yeah” I want to sleep in your room.”
I smiled at her and she could see it through the faint light coming from my laptop and she smiled back. “Well let’s move up there then.” I grabbed the blanket and pillow I had laid out for her and we moved upstairs. I spent a little time tidying up, but luckily I had gotten bored a few days before and had already done most of the work. Sophie sat on my bed with the laptop still talking to Hiroshi and giggling every time she made a joke at his expense. I suppose you should know the general lay out of my room, more particularly, the bed. My bed is a queen bed, stolen from one of the guest rooms, and it’s pressed into the corner of my room with walls surrounding it on two sides. I tossed a pillow against the wall and said that she could lean against the wall if she wanted to. She sat in the middle of the bed and leaned against the wall. I crawled into the far corner next to her and she leaned in again and I draped my arm over her shoulder. I turned off the light with my remote (it’s a ceiling fan thing) and we kept talking to Hiroshi. Eventually we realized that neither of us were ready for bed. I offered her some of my clothes that would do perfectly as sleeping clothes for her, but she declined. I dug up an extra contact lens case and we both took out our contacts, I got her an extra toothbrush so we brushed our teeth, and we once again climbed into bed to chat with Hiroshi some more. At about 4:00, we thought it would be a good time to try to get some sleep, so we decided to say good night to Hiroshi and lay down.
When we had first lay down, I asked if she wanted me to take the floor.
“No,” she said, “you can stay. I trust you.”
I smiled and lay down next to her. I wasn’t able to slip my arm underneath her head before she had lain down and I didn’t want to be too presumptuous either because sleeping cozily is kind of a intimate thing… We lay in bed for a few minutes talking, making jokes back and forth about each other playfully. A couple times, she would reach her arm over and hit me in the gut while I laughed, but one time I made a particularly bad joke and while laughing, I apologized and reached my arm over around her torso for a hug. I was expecting her to shrug my arm off, but instead, she put her arms over mine locking mine into place. I smiled to myself and I wasn’t sure if she could see it in the dimly lit room, but it felt nice. It felt… right. We kept talking for a bit until we realized that if we kept talking, we would never get to sleep, so we tried sleeping for about an hour. She rolled around a bit and kicked a couple times waking herself up in the process, at which time, I managed to get my other arm underneath the pillow under her head while having my other arm still wrapped around her, one hand draped over mine keeping it there. I could not sleep, I was convinced that I was already asleep and everything that was happening right then and there was a dream. I looked over her sleeping body and realized that even though we had a queen sized bed, we were barely using half of it. I pointed this out, stupidly, to Sophie and she asked if I wanted her to move. “No, of course not,” i said. “I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.”
“I’m comfortable,” she said. I smiled again and wrapped my arm around her a little bit tighter and she scooted in closer to me. I’m not sure of the name of the shirt, but it basically didn’t have shoulders, like a T shirt that’s been cut. Lying behind her, in the position we were in, her bare shoulder was in front of me, touching my chin and I couldn’t help but rest on it a bit and feel how soft and warm it was. I was still not convinced that this was real. I could smell her, feel her, see her, everything was perfect. I know that I had had dreams about this before, but never in my life did I expect it to come true, but it was. She was there. Until about 5:30, she tossed and turned and I watched, hoping that my embrace could somehow get her to sleep. A little while afterwards, we both gave up trying to sleep and went back to talking. Her foot moved back a little bit and entwined her legs with mine. We kept talking barely missing a beat. A little while later, I had moved my hand under her head far enough ahead that I was touching her hand, and our fingers entwined. She wasn’t letting go and neither was I. That moment where I finally attained one of the states I’d been searching for, a moment of pure happiness, pure bliss was amazing. She was amazing. I had complained about how it wouldn’t be any different if she was here or not and she kept saying I was wrong. She was right. I never would’ve imagined in a hundred years that someone like Sophie would be in my bed at 5 in the morning, legs and fingers wound up with mine, but she was. It wasn’t even “someone like Sophie” it was her. It was the girl I had been fantasizing about for the last 9 months. The girl whose personality fit everything that I had ever hoped for in a girl. A girl whose beauty out shines the brightness of the sun. At certain points, Sophie would try to get back to sleep and she would begin turning around again. My favorite part of the night is where she turned and she was facing me, our faces were barely centimeters apart and we were holding each other very close, very tightly. Eventually the moment ended and she shifted once more, but I could not think of anywhere else I wanted to be and I understood why I couldn’t sleep. If I sleep, I would dream. If I dream, then it would be worse that reality. I’m usually so negative about reality that it was strange that for once, it was better than anything I could imagine in my head. We lay there and held each other, it was what I have been looking for for years. We didn’t have sex, we didn’t plan on having sex, we just wanted to have each other there for the sake of being there for the other. I thought often about how I was on the verge of not talking to her, but every time that happens, she finds a way to pull me in even deeper. I think I’m stuck now, I’ve hit the bottom, and I don’t want to go back up. I know now more than ever that I love this girl and I will find a way to be with her even if it kills me.
We kept talking through the night and got on the topic of age. She said that she didn’t want to grow old, that she wanted to die young.
“No,” I said, “I won’t let you die young, I won’t let you deprave me of you in my later years.”
“I’m going to die young, accept it. I’ll get hit by a car.”
“No you won’t. I’ll be there to stop it.”
“Bullshit.” But I saw the hint of a smile.
“You know how much I hate to see you in pain, how do you think I’ll take seeing you dead? it would kill me too!”
“Bullshit.” we went on like that for a while. Every time I said something nice to her or made some sort of a compliment, “bullshit” was the response. But she was always smiling when she said it, I think she knows that I’m not lying. Light was beginning to seep into the room at about 6ish and we were still talking. Now I was noticing things about her, like her freckles and how cute they were. Of course I pointed it out and she buried her face in a pillow.
“You can’t hide though, you’re too pretty, you light up even the darkest areas.” She was laughing now, I guess flattery was working. I pointed out more things that I loved about her because she was always talking about how people only see her “imperfections.”
“You are the spiting image of perfection, are you kidding me? Your hair is a beautifully radiant orange that curls in all the right places and wherever it falls, you always look perfect. You have amazing green eyes with a burst of hazel that could keep a guy mesmerized for years. You have the most adorable freckles that will always show when you’re flustered or embarrassed. See? you’re perfect and I’ll never find someone else like you.” She was completely buried in pillows by the end. But she was still laughing. Eventually 7:00 rolled around, time to wake up. We both got ready, I got her an extra towel to shower with while I distracted my parents to stay away from my room. The plan worked flawlessly, I caught her as she was coming out of the bathroom, her hair slightly damp and that cute little crooked smile I love so much upon her face. I couldn’t help but stare despite how many times she told me how she hated people staring at her. I think she’s getting used to it though. We managed to sneak out past my parents room, into the car and off to school.
Before we left and on the way, she claimed to be feeling nauseous, but claimed to not need anything. I parked the car and walked with her to the office to meet with her teacher so I would feel better seeing her not collapse, and I went off to my class. A little while later, I came back because Sophie and I were trying to check on the gold we had found a while back (Refer to the post “Tickets” for that story) with our Geology teacher. She met up with me in the quad with a bottle of water and a bag of pretzels, walking rather sluggishly. I asked if she was feeling better and she said “yes.” We met with our teacher and, sure enough, it was Pyrite, “fools gold,” and that it would not make us rich, although it was quite a fascinating find. I began to walk back to my car to head home for a well deserved nap before my next class. She followed me back to my car and we chatted the whole way.
Upon arriving at my car, she got in and asked if it was alright if she sat for a while. “Of course,” I said, “anything you need.” She smiled.
“I think I’m gonna skip the rest of the day and go home…”
“Are you sure you want to do that? especially considering what’s awaiting you…?”
“Yeah, I’ll have my mom come pick me up, at least I can have some time to talk to her before my dad starts yelling at me. ” And with that, she called her mom. We sat in the car for another 15 minutes before her mom called her back saying that she was waiting for her in the drop off zone.
“I’ll drive you over there, you shouldn’t be walking so far if you feel sick.” I offered.
“No, I don’t think you should be around my mom or any of my family for a little while, especially not today.”
“I don’t care how close I get, I can drive pretty fast and can get away clean, I just don’t like the idea of you being sick.”
“It’s fine.”
“At least let me take you halfway there, so you don’t have to walk so far.”
“Alright.” It wasn’t a far drive, but I was happy that I could do my part. She got out of the car and thanked me again and I wished her good luck and we parted. She’s currently feeling better and is right now in class but I’m very anxious for her to finish so I can hear the trouble that she got into with her father… I would normally use this space for a reflection period, but I think retelling this is the only reflection that I need.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Today I got this crazy notion that I wanted to stop talking to Sophie. I know that for the faithful readers who have read all of my previous posts, I have said that many times and have failed every time. I find myself in a similar situation yet again. This whole idea spawned from the 4th dream that I have had about meeting up with Sophie and a new “boyfriend” of hers. In reality, there is no boyfriend, but the mere idea of him sickens me to my core. In the dream, it is purely the three of us standing around talking, and inside I am seething with anger towards this guy. I hated everything about his featureless being. I hated how she looked at him, I hated how she held his arm as we talked, I hated the way her voice got caught up in her throat every time she would say his name (which i don’t remember). For all intents and purposes, it was a nightmare. It was a future that I feared and did not want to ever come to pass. Of course another piece of me knows that I want to make her happy and I want to see her smile her “real” smile and be truly and completely happy. I have realized now that I am not the one who will make her happy. This mystery man is the one who will seal the deal and get her to stop writing her self deprecating blog and make the sparkle in her eyes real. With that in mind, I must also take my own happiness into account. I know that even though I’m happy for her in this hypothetical future, I will be destroyed inside. My reasoning is: If I cease communication with Sophie before she has a chance to find that “perfect guy” then I can more easily work on getting my mind off of her and into a more serene realm of solidarity.
Sophie makes forgetting about her extremely difficult, however. Every time I talk to her, that is all I want to do. The solidification of my ceasefire concept came about in another invitation to her. I asked if she would like to join me in a trip to the courthouse to settle the ticket that I had gotten when driving her home. I offered her dinner in exchange for her company and she declined the dinner and offered to join for free. This proved to me that she shared none of the feelings I have for her and that the possibility of us winding up together was 0. After she turned down my offer, I began working on a way to destroy what “friendship” we had and this deconstruction process began with a racial rant. The ideas that spewed from me were completely true about how full Asian people (I’m Asian) without an accent aren’t famous in America. There are no Asian singers (everyone hates the Far East Movement, admit it, if they weren’t called the “Far East Movement” you wouldn’t even think they were Asian), there are no originally American Asian actors (Jackie Chan and Jet Li are from China), and how the Asians are so rarely appreciated. There was a lot more said on the topic, I even touched on Black people and Hispanic people, but largely, there was a good deal of hatred stemmed towards the Whites (Sophie is white). After much ranting, I excused myself saying that I didn’t want to use up more of her life to have her read my pointless inner racial turmoil. I also told her that I would most likely not come online for a couple of days so that the ranting would not repeat. I have officially signed off of Facebook and Skype, not caring that I didn’t wait for a response even though I’m fairly certain that one would not come anyways. High hopes that I had for the two of us working out are slowly being deconstructed as I type this and the healing process, I’ve decided, is underway. I am fighting every urge to not return to Facebook nor Skype for a few days and not pick her up for going to court and not do anything related to her until, perhaps, Friday. We will see what happens on Friday though. I intend to lock away my heart and not allow it grow more fond of her in her absence although it is already increasingly difficult, for while I cannot sleep, I believe it is because today is the first day in at least half a month, that I have not heard her voice or seen her face. As much as it sucks, I think it is for the better. I’m tired of having my heart broken by outside forces, perhaps this time I gotta break my own heart to better myself.

Until Friday…
HelplessRomanticist