helplessromanticist

The evening started off with a simple idea. Get Sophie after work (10 PM) and watch two of the series we were currently following, American Horror Story and Psych. Sophie had decided earlier that day to dye her hair red and had done it by the time I had the idea to have her over. When 10:00 rolled around, I was sprinting out of the store like a bat out of hell and over to Sophie’s place in under 10 minutes. She got in the car and we started talking about our days until we got back to my house where we proceeded to watch our shows. We sat cuddled up next to each other with me planting kisses on Sophie’s cheeks and eventually with her turning her head in my direction to allow me to kiss her lips a few times. Things were going great until after Psych (second show we watched) ended. Not to say that things went downhill, but things were still going great, but they got better. Sophie and I spoke quietly as to not alert my parents to her presence and shared a great deal of kisses.  Although I believe the term would be “making out.”  We kissed for minutes at a time, barely finding ways to come up for air.  Our lips moved in perfect synchronization, I could taste the chocolate of the cookies she had been eating on her tongue, I could feel her arm pulling my body closer to hers, and with my arms wrapped tightly around her, I began to move her down until we were lying down next to each other.  Unsure of how far to take things, I slowly moved my hand down towards her breast and for a while, her hand rested on top of mine, almost hesitating.  After some time, she pulled my hand down and stopped kissing me.  I was not disappointed in the least.  In fact, I was feeling apologetic.  I apologized for moving too fast and we went back to talking like usual.  Her arm was wrapped around me, and mine around her and we spoke quietly each deciphering what the other was whispering about.  Soon, we moved back into kissing and it became quite intense.  It soon became not just our heads moving, finding new ways to force themselves into each other, but our bodies moving together, pressing against each other.  I shifted weight so that I was on top of her and while fully clothed, we essentially began to have sex.  I could feel her breathing intensify along with her body movement and small gasps of pleasure escaped between the kisses.  We went on like this for some time, of course, when things are going like they were, time means nothing to you.  Eventually, Sophie began to slow and said “We have to stop.” Of course, I complied, but I was not upset.  This was not my original intention when I wanted her to come over.  I merely wanted to see her, to allow her to watch some of her favorite shows.  Although we had stopped, her arm was still wrapped around me and mine around her, but her other hand was touching her face in a “what have I done” kind of sense.

“I’m sorry.” I said “I never intended for this to happen.  This is not the reason I wanted you to come over today.”

“I know.” Sophie replied quietly.

“You know that I don’t think of you like that, I truly do care for you.”

“I know.” another quiet reply.

We lay in silence for a while while I looked at Sophie’s resting features.

“You need to take me home.” She said, but made no such motion to get up from the couch.

“Alright,” I said but, again, did not move.

We continued to lie there for some time until I again said “Alright” and sat up.  Sophie sat up with me, but didn’t stand like I thought she would, instead she sat back and leaned against me again, resting her head on my shoulder.

“We need to go backwards a bit.”

“How far backwards?”

“You need to kiss me less.”

“Less? Does that mean I can still kiss you?”

Sophie laughed, but didn’t answer.  I asked her again, but still no answer.

“Are you ok?” I asked after some time.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… Just tired.”  Sophie turned her head to look at me, but her eyes did not open.  I moved in to kiss her lips, but she did not return the kiss.  I sat there thinking about what had just happened, asking myself over and over again if it was wrong to do what we had done.  If it was truly me who misinterpreted the signals or if she was having trouble coping with the fact that she was putting the wrong signals out there.  A soft chuckle interrupted my thoughts.

“What?”

“It’s just that…” She laughed again. “The last two times I saw you, we were kissing.  And now we’re here…”

I laughed too.  “I think it’s because I watch too much TV.”

This time we both laughed.  “At least she seems to be in good spirits still…” I told myself.  Some more time passed and we heard a noise signifying that one of my parents was awake and one would most likely come to check on us.  With that, we got up and left.  The first half of the car ride was quite silent.  Whenever we were left at a red light, I looked over at Sophie to find her with her eyes closed occasionally.  A couple times, she would open them and notice me looking and ask “What?” innocently.  All I could muster in response was “Are you sure you’re ok?” and each time, she would reply with “yes, just tired.”  I was afraid that all was lost.  Of course, I was unsure of how to react.  On one hand, I was able to get rid of Sophie and now I would no longer be confused by her actions.  On the other hand, I had lost the girl of my dreams, especially after everything seemed to be going so well.  We were reaching the halfway point between our houses when Sophie brought up a funny story that happened in her math class.  I looked at her when she told it and saw that brilliant smile and all my bad thoughts of losing her suddenly went away.  After her story finished, I began to think of what else had happened at work today and I finally remembered some funny stories that happened to my coworkers and myself that day and I was able to make her laugh.  As soon as I heard that laugh, my spirits were brightened and I could not harbor any ill feelings towards or about her any longer.  We soon reached her house and I put my hand on her back and apologized again asking if I would see her again on Friday as we had originally planned.  She replied quickly with a quiet “yeah.”  At that point, she seemed to hesitate about getting out of the car.  Our eyes were locked and all I could think to say was “I still like your hair.”

She smiled back and said “The red?”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling back.  “It suits you well… I’ll see you on Friday.”

“See you on Friday.”  And she got out of the car and ran to her front door and went inside.

My day had managed to go from fair to great to awesome to scary to better in a matter of 4 hours.  I’m not sure how she did it, but she managed to pull me out of a sad phase all on her own where all else have failed.  I know that she’ still kissing me back and now we’re a couple layers of fabric away from real sex, but even though that’s not what I’m after, we’re so close to a real relationship, I think that I’m allowed to start calling her my girlfriend.  My belief is this: If she’s really kissing me back, there’s something here, there’s a spark to this fire between us, and I don’t want to blow too hard on the flames, but I need to know what blowing too hard means.

Until next time,

HelplessRomanticist

I worked late yesterday and came home around 11:00 to turn on my computer and find Sophie waiting for me. “Was your day as shitty as mine?” the message read. At this point, I was confused as to why she was still talking to me and decided that I would have to be the one to end things. Therefore, I decided to not console her in the usual manner and went on with saying really short one liners that I would not have thought would make anyone feel better. “You’re having a bad day, so you thought talking to me would make it better?”
“Yes, actually.”
“Wouldn’t I have been the root of your problems?”
“No, it was just stressful.”
After that happened, it was all pretty downhill. Eventually, apparently, I was able to lift her spirits and she had called me because she thought I wasn’t feeling particularly great. I tried many times to convey that I was fine to her, but she wouldn’t believe me. I suppose in one respect, she was right, I wasn’t feeling particularly great. Work was a bit tough, and then I come home and find Sophie talking to me when I didn’t want to talk to or see her. I had spoken to Belle earlier that day and she had told me that I should try to not talk to Sophie for a week in order to give us time to gather our thoughts and cool down after the previous night. Although I readily agreed with the idea, I couldn’t bring myself to bring it up. Eventually we fell asleep together and woke up still talking. I was still on the confused side and decided against changing my tone and eventually she had to get ready for school so she hung up herself. The time was 7:30 and I had gone back to sleep. When I awoke at 10:30 for my class, I noticed a text from Sophie asking if we could hang out today. I was quite confused, but I didn’t have time to answer her because I was already heading out the door. I spoke with Belle again and she told me that the best course of action was probably to say “no” just so I didn’t seem like I was always ready and waiting for her. I considered this and thought about it some more until I reached a decision to say “yes” but bring Belle along too. Belle was alright with this idea and so at 3 when Sophie got off of work, we went to get her. For the next hour and a half, the three of us peacefully watched TV and chatted about random things until Belle got a call from her problematic boyfriend and had to leave. When Sophie and I were alone, we were sitting about a cushion’s length away from each other as we had several nights before. Neither of us said much until we had to decide what else we wanted to watch. We still spoke very little and Sophie even brought up the idea of me taking her home. I said “If you want to, I could do that. Is that what you want?” the answer was, of course, “no.” We finally decided on watching The Matrix, and a part of the way through, I realized that I had to do dishes. Sophie had come over at one point to sit with me at the island and asked if I needed help.  I answered “no, I got it.”  Sophie paused for a second and looked down for a bit while I went back and forth from the dishwasher to wherever the article of kitchenware went.

“Why…”

“What?”

“Why do you have to seem so pissed off?”

“I’m not pissed off.  I just have shit to do… Just go watch the movie.”

Sophie was quiet for a moment and picked up a brain teaser puzzle I had sitting on the counter and went back to the couch.  From the kitchen, I could hear the marbles rolling around and her shaking the dome in frustration several times.  As soon as I finished putting the dishes away, I began to wash the remaining dirty dishes and after about 20 minutes, Sophie came over again and stood several feet behind me.

“Do you want some help?” she asked again.

“No, I got it.” I replied again.

“I don’t want to watch the movie alone…”

“I’m here, I’m watching it.”

“Are you almost done?”

I looked over at the counter at the several remaining dishes.  “Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.”  And she went back to the couch and I heard the movie resume once again.  As soon as I finished the dishes, I slowly washed my hands, dried them off and made my way back to the couch.  Of course, I picked a seat that was a cushion away from Sophie, but this time, it didn’t feel like it was such a distance for me.  In fact, it felt like a couple of normal friends watching a movie.  My feelings were finally leaving, this could work out.  We sat in silence for a bit watching the movie.  A few comments were made, but nothing that drew our attention to each other for too long.  Eventually, Sophie said “I don’t care if this is confusing.” And moved over the extra cushion to sit next to me.  Her face was again, next to mine, and her arm on top of mine, but I didn’t dare hold her hand or put my arm around her.  After trying to explain the various meanings behind the movie, Sophie asked about the falling sensation when you’re about to fall asleep and asked to use my laptop.  Luckily, it was already in the kitchen, so I didn’t have to get up to get it.  Sophie went to get it and came back to the same spot.  When she was through, her hand was again on top of mine, and with the neutral position I thought I had my hand it, her hand fell into mine and with the laptop on  top of it, I couldn’t remove it without seeming too obvious.  Then again, neither did she.  We watched the movie a bit longer, I tried explaining it several more times, and in due time, the movie ended.  We sat for a bit deciding what else to watch and landed on the decision to watch an animated batman movie I had.  A bit of the way into it, I turned to Sophie and said “You’re sitting so close to me, it’s hard for me to not want to put my arm around you, is that really what you want?”

“No… Yes…”  She hesitated.  As she said this, she shifted back and forth, away from my arm, and towards my arm.

“What…?”

“No, it’s not a no, but… yes… I don’t know”

I was confused, there were so many different answers being thrown around that I was unsure what to do, so I didn’t do anything.  Eventually, I realized that if I was ever going to get my arm free, it would have to go around her.  “Alright, if you’re not going to make a decision, I’m going to force you to make one.”  With that, I put my arm around her.  She snuggled in closer to me and I held her tight.  The movie went on, and she asked a few questions about Batman mythology which I gladly described to her.  My spirits were lifting, how could they not when the girl of my dreams wanted to know about comic books, something I happen to have a plethora of knowledge about.  We sat and watched the movie for a bit longer, and whenever we talked, our faces were mere centimeters away from each other.

“I know I said I wouldn’t do this anymore, but I have to” and I kissed her cheek.  She softly smiled and I kissed her cheek again and moved towards her mouth.  She turned her head slightly towards me and we shared another kiss.  After a few seconds, she tilted her head down.

“This isn’t what we agreed on.” She said.

“I know, but can you really blame me?”  I moved my head in and kissed her again.  “Is this ok?”

“If it’s either this or you ignoring me, it is.”  She pulled me closer and kissed me again.  A few seconds later, she said “You’re making me miss the movie you wanted me to watch.”

I chuckled a bit and said “I know, sorry.” and kissed her one more time and turned my attention back to the movie.  Our foreheads were leaned against each other and we continued to watch the movie.  Every time one of us said something and we’d look at each other, we shared another kiss.  Eventually the movie ended and all I could do was kiss her.  We sat for what must have been half an hour kissing each other back and forth.  I apologized for my behavior earlier that day and the day before.  I explained how confused I was by everything and how earlier I couldn’t help but be confused knowing that I had to just sit there not being able to hold her or kiss her.  That it killed me to have to talk to her while knowing that she wouldn’t feel the same way about me.  But despite knowing that and despite her telling me that she didn’t feel the same way, she was kissing me back, and that’s all I knew.  Soon we decided to go to the Spirit Halloween store to try on wigs because Sophie was considering dying her hair pink, but wanted to try on some different shades to see if she liked it.  We went to the store that I worked at and tried on various wigs and hats.  She was conflicted and it wasn’t too much help that I found her particularly beautiful with every wig she tried on.  Of course, since I worked there, the people on duty knew me and several asked if she was my girlfriend.  I replied with “I’m not sure… It’s kinda complicated.”  Several times though, I just had to kiss her and I felt her lips pressing back against mine, but I knew that it was still complicated.

After we were done, we came back to my house to watch an episode of Angel.  She was feeling hungry, so I made her a hot pocket and cut her a slice of cake and watched the show.  While she was eating her cake, She had turned to talk to me and we kissed again.  I could taste the cake on her lips and a small bit of it that was on her lips found its way into my mouth.  Again, she said “you’re making me miss the show.” I apologized again and we finished watching it.  At 11, Sophie said softly “you have to take me home.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You can’t keep me here forever, I have homework to do.”

“Well… do it later.” and I kissed her.  We wound up sitting on the couch for another two hours just talking about our days and everything that has happened while I was feeling moody.  There wasn’t much to the time that passed, but there was much kissing.

“Are you really ok with this?” I had to ask again.

“Yes.  Because I don’t like it when you ignore me.”

“I wasn’t exactly ignoring you… I was trying to not complicate things… And I hate ignoring you too.” I kissed her again.

“You seemed really mad.”

“I love you too much to be mad at you.  I was just confused.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” We kissed again.

A bit later, I finally mustered up the courage to tell her what was really bugging me.  I told her about Belle’s idea to not talk to Sophie for a week to cool down and gather our thoughts and how the night before, I knew that I had to say it, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I knew I couldn’t stand not talking to you for that long.  I told her how I was glad that she knew that she could always come to me on a bad day and know that I would do everything I could to make it better and I would always do my best to be there for her whenever she needed me and how I would never leave her alone again.  I apologized for not watching the entire movie by her side, I was sorry for kissing her despite our agreement (even though that apology ended with a kiss too…), and I was sorry that I wouldn’t tell her about the week thing up front.  She assured me that everything was ok and told me that if there’s anything that I need to say, I should just say it and not let it bottle up and we shouldn’t let anything get between us.

At one point, I was kissing her and said “You’re still kissing back you know… If you really didn’t like me like that, you wouldn’t be doing that.  Admit it, you like me a little bit.”

Sophie stopped and pulled back a bit, but didn’t reply.  She put her head on my shoulder and sighed.  I laughed a bit and held her head to tilt her face up so I could continue to kiss it.  While we kissed, I felt her arm go around to my back while the other held my leg.  One hand of mine was caressing her back while the other stroked her cheek and held the side of her face.  Sophie somehow got on the topic of school and said “can you believe it? Just a month of school then it’s another vacation!!”

“Yeah, then I’ll try to be spending every waking moment with you.  Think about how much watching we’ll get done!  Actually, the way we’re going, probably not much…”

“Yeah, if you’re not turning me away the whole time!”  We both laughed and shared another kiss.

Around 12:30, my parents came downstairs and told us that we had to be leaving because it was getting late.  So we got up and went out to the car and started back.  We continued chatting, sang along to some songs, and made our way back to Sophie’s house.  When we reached the spot where Sophie and I had jumped the curb way back when, a deer jumped in front of the car.  Luckily, I was able to swerve us out of the way a bit and hit the brakes fast enough and the deer got away.  We were stopped at an awkward angle and the two of us were freaking out a little bit.  I looked at her and said “Nothing has ever jumped in front of my car like that…” slightly out of breath.

“Yeah, I’ve never experienced anything like that… I’m glad we were able to stop in time!”  I leaned over and hugged her and we kissed again.  We both managed to calm down and we continued to her house.  When we arrived, a song we both liked was playing on the radio and so we waited for it to end.

“Last night… when you said “whatever” and I said, “you didn’t hear that”, I was admitting that I had cried that day.”

“What?”

“I said that I had cried but I didn’t want you to hear that.”

“What happened?”

“Just stress.”

“Did I cause any of it?”

“No, it was me.”

“I must have done something…”

“No, it was all me, I swear.”

I unbuckled my seat belt and raised the arm rest and moved close to her and kissed her on the cheek.  “It must have somehow related to me, and if it didn’t I’m still sorry.  You know that I would hate to hear you cry or see you cry.  Anything that would wipe that brilliant smile off your face is something that I would hate to happen.” We kissed again until a sensor light on a neighbor’s house went on.  We stopped mid-kiss and looked up just to see no one there.  The song ended and I checked my schedule for work.  “I don’t work until 5 on Friday if you’re free and want to watch more TV?”

Sophie smiled.  “Sure. I’m free.” she said.

I smiled back and kissed her again.  “Alright.  I’ll see you Friday then.”

This time, she surprised me, her lips came out all on their own and kissed me on the lips.  She pulled back and smiled “I’ll see you on Friday.”  With that, she got out of the car and went inside.

At this point, I’m done speculating.  There’s something there.  I can feel it.  I don’t care if we’re anything official, all I know is that I want her in my life and if I can kiss her too, then my life is complete.

Until next time,

HelplessRomanticist

It seems suiting to have another “ending” blog at the 70 mark. Anyways, as promised, I have returned well rested and having finished homework and so, we begin. This began Saturday night when Sophie was at her sister’s house for the night. We made a plan to hang out and watch Stripes on Sunday night after I got off of work. I was quite excited to see her again, of course, and eagerly awaited the next day. All throughout work, I texted her about the plan. It all hinged on when her mom came to pick her up and that didn’t happen until about 5. The plan was originally for her to come to my work where she would try on wigs because she was thinking of dying her hair. Since she didn’t get picked up until about 4:30, she wouldn’t get home til 5 at the earliest and I was off at 5 as well. So the plan shifted. I went home to shower and then went back out to her house to pick her up. Everything seemed pretty normal, we talked, sang, laughed, the usual. We got back to my house and we watched Stripes in the normal position: her on my left with my left arm wrapped tightly around her side with her right hand being squeezed in my right. Several times I kissed her cheek and her neck, twice I moved to her lips and received a quick kiss back before attention was turned back to the television. When the movie was over, we decided to watch the pilot episode of “Angel” because it was a “dark kind of show” and because it’s close to Halloween. Watching this was more of the same, although some of the kissing lasted longer. I suddenly had an idea: Kiss her when the show is over and there’s nothing left to watch or turn attention to. So once the credits began to roll, I kissed her lips and she kissed me back and we kissed each other tenderly for at least a minute until she turned slightly and whispered “Stop it.” Now I knew that I had to address the situation. I rubbed my nose against hers and asked “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing” was the reply I received. I kissed her again, receiving nothing in return. I put the show on mute because the menu music was too loud for her whispers.
“Hey, Something’s bugging you, I can tell. So tell me. What is it?”
“It’s just….”
“What?”
“You know what.”
“… Well” I kissed her again “I have my theories, but tell me what you’re thinking about.”
“I don’t care about you like you care for me.” She whispered, head turned away from me.
I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek and laughed. “I know. I’ve known for a long time. I guess I’ve hoped that you’d…. What’s the term…? Come around, maybe?”
“I don’t get it.”
“Don’t get what?”
“I don’t get why you like me.”
“Heh, are you kidding? What is there not to like?”
She turned to me again and I leaned in and we shared another few kisses.
“Why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“You know what.”
“Kissing you?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was meek and timid… She was adorable.
“Because it’s all I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 months.” I leaned in and kissed her again.
“You have to stop.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not fair.”
“It’s not fair?”
“To you. I can’t let you go on kissing me while knowing that I don’t like you back.”
“Babe, at this point, I don’t care what you think about me, all I know is that you’re kissing me back.” I kissed her again. “Why are you doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“Kissing me back.”
“Well it’s kind of hard to not kiss someone back when they’re kissing you.”
“You’ve done it before.”
“Well…” As much as I wanted to know the answer, I cut her off with my lips once again.
“You know that All I want is for you to be happy.”
“What?”
“I want to make sure that you’re happy. I don’t care what it is. I mean, I guess I wanted to be the one to make you happiest, but if that’s not the case, I’m fine with it.”
“Well I haven’t been biting myself recently.”
“Good. Don’t. I like my Sophies bite free.”
She laughed.
“Even if I’m not the one making you happy, don’t bite yourself, use your mouth for something better.”
“Like what?”
“Like eating hot pockets… Or kissing me.” I leaned in again and we kissed once more. It went on like this for a long time, nothing was getting accomplished. Eventually I got an instant message from a lab partner asking me to do an entire project that was due the next day.
“Shouldn’t you at least answer her?” Sophie asked.
“No. There’s only one thing I’d rather do that sit here and talk to you.”
“And what’s that?”
“Kissing you.”
“Then do it.” Her hand reached up behind my head and pulled me down into her and we kissed again, but it was a more intimate kiss. Our mouths opened wider with each kiss, our tongues went in and out of each others’ mouths, and I could taste her breath and smell her skin. Eventually though, her arm went down and her face turned away.
“You know that I still like you. You know that I have never actually STOPPED liking you. So why are you still talking to me?”
“Would you prefer that I wasn’t.”
“No, you know what I’d really prefer. But for several months, you blocked me on facebook chat because you knew that I liked you.”
“Well I had a reason then.”
“The same reason still applies.”
“But back then, you were just some random guy who liked me and now we’re friends.”
“Yeah, I’m a friend who spends all his time buying you stuff and trying to kiss you.”
“I wish it wasn’t like this though.”
“I know.” I leaned in again and kissed her forehead and moved down the side of her face until I reached her mouth. “Look, I think it’s safe to say that I know that I love you. We both know that I’m way past the line of “crush” or “like””
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I have known so many girls over my lifetime, I’ve liked many of them, sure, but I’ve been able to let them all go. You just won’t seem to leave. What is it that you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“You have to know. No one else can.”
“I guess… I guess I just want someone to talk to… Someone who understands me.”
“And I do. I try so fucking hard to understand everything you do and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it too. I know you don’t like me, I get it, I do, but you know that if you find a boyfriend, I’m gone. And you better make damn sure that he understands you and he’s everything you want because as soon as I leave… I’m not coming back.”
“I know.”
“I love the shit out of you and you know that. You will always be my number one priority. Sure it’ll be harder to keep tabs on you, but even after I’m gone, I will always care about you.”
“You’re impossible.”
“Hah, there’s a new one.”
“What? Impossible? Fine, I’ll say something more familiar. You’re ridiculous.”
“So I’ve been told.” We both began to laugh as I leaned in again and we shared another kiss.
“If this is really not going to work out between us, I think you should find a boyfriend really fast. Someone to occupy your time more. When you were pining over Ryan, I was crazy jealous and I didn’t care how stupid you say he was or how shitty the conversations went, all I knew was that you were his then. Even when Issaiah was talking to you. You said that you didn’t like him, that you spent all your time trying to get him to leave you alone. But again, I didn’t care. It was just one more thing betting between us. When you finally stopped talking to both of them, I got really happy because, of course, I thought I had a chance. Even your new co-worker, David, he flirts with you.”
“Yeah, but he flirts with everyone.”
“I don’t care about everyone though. I care about you. I saw him flirting with you, and I was kinda driven up a wall. I want to be able to let you go. Do you think it’s easy? Sitting here holding you almost every other night, smelling you, having your face so close to mine? Do you know how many times I’ve said to myself “just kiss her”? Do you know how peeved people are with me. Sure I want someone I can talk to about anything too, and that used to be anyone. But now. Now it’s just you. You’re the only person I can talk to about anything because whenever I’m talking to anyone else, all I want to talk about is you. Lila’s pissed at me because I’m always bugging her about you, Bell is on the verge of not talking to me, Hiroshi…. Well I don’t talk to him that much anyways and it’s usually about pointless shilt like videogames and movies, but still. Point is, I’m absolutely crazy about you. Your curly “honey hair (kiss), your green eyes (kiss), your “half-jew” nose (kiss), your soft cheeks (kiss), and your perfect lips.” And with that last bit, I kissed her and her hand came up to my head again and we were lost in each other. I had forgotten what I was saying, all I knew was that I was kissing the girl of my dreams. We kept talking and eventually got to lies. I said something, not quite sure what it was, but she tried to call me on it and I told her. “I don’t lie to you anymore.”
“Yes you do.”
“I have stopped lying up til recently. I lied a lot back in the day. Remember the day that Tori said she was leaving and sent out a facebook message? And I told you that I didn’t see it until after she left? Well, I saw it about an hour after she sent it, I just chose not to go.”
“You’re a terrible friend.”
“That’s the thing, I don’t think I was ever truly her “friend.” I hung out with her because she hung out with cool people. After she introduced me to Caitlin, every time we hung out, she would say “let’s call Caitlin.” Especially when Maggie was still around, the three of us would always “hang out” but the only person I really talked to was Maggie. Tori was always just there because she made the plans and she made the phone calls. I always hated Tori. I’m just too nice of a person to convey it.”
“Well she really liked you.”
“I know, and I thought that was the reason that you resisted me for so long. I talked to you because you were interesting to talk to, but apparently I didn’t pique your interest enough and so you decided that the best course of action was to not talk to me. Several months later, you confuse me by unblocking me and talking to me again as if nothing happened. I’m sure you realized that I still liked you, but what changed? You talked to me every night for the longest time possible and I’m sure that I was in no way discreet about my feelings for you.”
“But you knew that I liked Ryan.”
“I know, and I tried to give you advice to make your relationship work so you would leave me the fuck alone, but you didn’t. You stayed and kept talking to me and then ended your relationship with him. You knew that even after that, no, especially after that that I still liked you. And still, I remained unblocked.”
“Well we became friends.”
“You stayed friends with Ryan, why don’t you go talk to him a bit?”
“Because he’s stupid.”
“That’s not a good enough reason, I’m stupid too sometimes, but you haven’t flown the white flag just yet.”
“It’s different with him, I never intended for any sort of relationship with him to last longer than the summer and I kinda thought he knew that.”
“What, did you watch Grease recently?”
Sophie laughed again making me kiss her.
“You have an amazing laugh, you know that?”
“I sound like a hyena.”
“Not to me.”
“How many hyenas have you heard?”
“Well there were the ones in The Lion King.”
She laughed again and I kissed her. “Me too” she said with a smile.
“God… Every time you smile, I can’t help but smile too, every time you laugh, shit, every time you speak, I can’t help but smile a bit.”
Again, she smiled at me and I kissed her.
“But still, on a more serious note. What do you want to do about this? Something has to be done and we can’t avoid this.”
“I don’t know.”
We sat in silence for some time and she was a bit of a distance from me on my lap so I could not reach down and kiss her as often as I wanted.
“You look uncomfortable.”
“I’m just a bit upset that you’re not within kissing distance.”
“Well that’s good.”
“I suppose, or I could just do this…” And I picked her up and pulled her closer to me where I pressed my lips against hers again and received another mind blowing kiss. I held her against me like that for another several minutes and we continued to kiss. The time was getting quite late and her parents were calling. We sat on the couch for a while longer until it was my parents turn to convince me to take her home.
“Well,” I said after my parents went back upstairs. “What do you want to do? Am I still going to see you on Tuesday?”
“I don’t think we should. I think we should distance ourselves a bit.”
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
“But you’ve spent enough time with me.”
“It’s not enough for me.”
“Still, I don’t think we should.”
“So I’m not going to see you on Tuesday, I work the rest of the week, you’re not hanging out with me on Halloween… There are no plans to hang out again any time soon.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No, but it seems like a pretty good tactic of yours.”
“Well it’s not. You’ll see me again.”
“Yeah, but it won’t be the same.”
“It might.”
“Doubtful.”
“Don’t be so negative.”
“Can I still kiss you?”
“…. I’m going to have to go with…. no…”
“If you say so.” And with that, we stood up and went to the car and I drove her home. The car ride wasn’t particularly awkward, there was some talking, some singing, and there didn’t seem to be much tension, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was thinking about what the fuck just happened. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. When we reached Sophie’s house, she said a meager “bye” and all I could think to respond with was a stern, less lighthearted “bye” as well. With us, “Bye” was a very serious term. It meant that one of us had an intent to leave. I wasn’t sure if she meant it in that way, but at that time of the night, I sure as fuck intended it like that. I heard Sophie whisper something under her breath, but I didn’t care. She closed her door and I drove off. I needed someone to talk to, but no one was awake. As soon as I got home, I realized how tired I was and after trying to type some of what happened, I realized that it was pointless and went to bed.
It was true that I loved Sophie and I never wanted to let it go, but I see now, clearer than ever, that it’s the only thing I can do to maintain my sanity. Even as I write this, I can feel regret creeping into my head, but I must remain strong and prey that she’s beginning to feel the same way too.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

I’m feeling particularly tired, so I’m probably going to be throwing down the first things that come to mind without second thought and formatting, but I have to get this on paper. Today, Sophie came over and we watched a movie of her choice. We watched it while I had my arm around her and I kissed her cheek and a couple times on the lips, but she was quite into the movie. After the movie, we moved into watching something else and I had kissed he again, this time, the kisses on the lips were longer and there were quite a few. Each time, she kissed me back and didn’t say anything about it. After the second movie ended, I leaned over and began to kiss her again and this went on for at least a minute before she pulled back and softly said “stop it.”
“what’s wrong?” I said softly.
“You know what’s wrong.”
“I have theories. Tell me what you’re thinking though.”
“I don’t care about you the same way you care about me.”
“Ah, I know that part, yes.” and then we started talking. A lot. Often times, in between sentences, we would kiss and the kisses didn’t get smaller as you would presume, they got more intimate. Mouths opened wider, tongues flickered in and out. It was quite confusing. We slowly recounted our entire relationship and everything we had done that had led us to that point, but the end result was the same. Sophie and I were not meant to be. We talked for three hours, ignoring calls from her parents and brothers, finally arriving at the question: Where do we go from here? I left the decisionup to Sophie since I was tired of always trying to leave while she was there holding me back.
“I want you to stay.”
“You’ve also wanted that the last 4 times this has happened and look where it’s gotten you.”
“I know, I guess I’m just looking for someone to talk to, who understands me.”
“Well congratulations, you found him. And you know that if you find another boyfriend, I plan on disappearing for good, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well find one quick.”
We touched on the topic of Tori and how much I hated her and the only reasons I hung out with her was to hang out with the people that she hung out with as well because I liked the other people better. I told her about how I did not intend to see Tori once christmastime came around and did not care about what present she got me because I didn’t care to see her to receive it. I also told her that the only way I would be convinced to see her would be if Sophie was my girlfriend and she threatened to break up with me if I didn’t. Lie 1. She told me that it didn’t seem like I was ever going to see piper again then. When the conversation died down, I said “huh, you were my first kiss.” Lie 2. I also told her that when the “1 month” option came up, my main intention was to stay and I didn’t plan on leaving at all. Lie 3. And there were more lies as well. I began to realize that I preferred my old, lying, videogame playing, laid back self to this honest, single minded zombie that I had turned into because of Sophie. We talked a lot more and Sophie decided that we should distance ourselves for a while, so she cancelled Tuesday.
“So I’m not going to see you on Tuesday, I’m not seeing you on Halloween, I don’t have my work schedule… Doesn’t seem like there’s a plan to ever see you again.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Is that what YOU want? It seems like an awful good tactic for you.”
“Well it’s not my intention.”
“Sure as shit looks like it.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Whatever you want to say.”
“I only have one question… Can I keep kissing you?”
“………. I’m gonna have to go with no.”
“Alright then.”
At this point, it was midnight and her mother had called several times. The car ride home was very quiet except for one of us singing along to the music. I dropped her off and she said “bye” and I responded with a very stern “bye.” As soon as her door closed, I drove off, not looking back. I began to think about everything that had happened and I realize now, that living a life without her would be much easier than living life with her in it. I’m pretty sure it’s official, our friendship is dead. I’ve kissed her. Many times. I suppose that was what I wanted, and I will end this here because I intend to come back tomorrow and make another post with more details, but for now, I have too much on my mind and I’m tired.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Sophie came over today to watch movies. Since last time, I noticed that she does like it when I put my arm around her, I started off the day with that. Of course, since nothing has been said about the kissing either, I did a little bit of that. We sat and watched movies and TV shows for the entirety of the day before I had to go to work. Several times, she turned around to look at me and say something and it was then that I would kiss her several times on the cheek and forehead. Bell had also called at one point to talk about something that had happened with her and her boyfriend and I stepped into the next room to take the call and not disrupt the movie for Sophie. Upon my return, Sophie paused the movie and asked what was wrong. I sat down next to her, summarized what happened, and reached my and around to her opposite cheek and pulled her in to me and kissed her on the cheek. When I pulled back, I swear I saw a smile. I put my arm around her once again and we resumed the movie. Sophie had again turned around to say something about the movie and had turned far enough where my lips were centimeters away from hers. In the midst of talking, her voice quieted and as I leaned in, her sentence trailed off and I kissed her. To my great surprise, I felt her lips move forward and she had kissed me back. This kiss did not last long, but I opened my eyes for a brief second to see her eyes closed as well. After the kiss was over, we both opened her eyes, and without a word, Sophie turned her head and her attention went back to the movie. This happened a couple more times just like this, but then we stepped it up a notch. Sophie had again turned to talk about the movie and her voice began to trail off and we were kissing each other again. It wasn’t anything lengthy, but we were definitely kissing each other. Three times, to be exact. On the third kiss, I noticed her hand go up to hold my head, but it seemed to hesitate, and she softly, almost inaudibly, said “stop it.” I wasn’t sure what to say about this, so I kept quiet. The kisses were amazing, everything I had envisioned and more. We remained on the couch watching the movie, cuddling, holding hands, occasionally kissing. When 3:30 rolled around, I had to take her home in order to make it to work on time. Sophie was still in my arms and said “you have to take me home now.”
“But I don’t want to…” Sophie looked at me with her beautiful green eyes.
“You have to.” She said.
“… Fine.”
With that, Sophie stood up and looked back at me and smiled softly and said “Let’s go.” We got in the car and started driving back to her house. On the way, we made plans to hang out again on Tuesday. I was quite confused by the “let’s hang out on Tuesday” and the conflicting “Stop it” I had received earlier. Either way, we shared our first kiss. It didn’t lead to a make out session or anything, but it was a kiss. It was a start. I’m not trying to have sex with her, I don’t care if she wants to classify us as boyfriend/girlfriend, but although both of those would be nice, I just want to be able to hold her in my arms. The entire time she’s been stuck in my head, I had been envisioning our first kiss, how it would happen, where it would happen, how we would feel, what would be said, everything. I never would’ve thought that it would happen while watching Hotel Rwanda on my living room couch. Despite the unexpected setting, the kiss was nothing short of amazing. I could smell her skin, taste her breath, taste her lips, feel her lips press against mine, I could feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster, I felt her hand tighten around mine, and the thoughts in my head were leaving so fast, all except thoughts of her and how much I liked her and how stupid I was for ever considering leaving her. I refuse to stop kissing her, especially if she’s kissing me back now.

Until next time
HelplessRomanticist

Today was a semi-spontaneous hang out with Sophie. Last night, she told me that her plans with a friend of hers had fallen through and she wanted to spend the evening watching movies with me. Of course, I happily agreed. I picked her up from school and things were going great, but as soon as we hit the couch, I decided to try something. I glanced down at the half of a seat cushion that rested between us and realized that this was my chance to see if she truly liked me cuddling with her and kissing her. Of course, throughout the first movie, my mind was preoccupied with this thought and I was beginning to realize that I was coming across as moody. At one point, I realized that she was not in her favorite spot with the footrest that reclined. I believed the problem to be due to a table that sat in the way of the footrest and I asked “Do you want me to move that table so you can sit in your favorite spot?”
“No, I can do it” she said as she got up and moved the table and moved the extra half a cushion away. It was just one cushion and I usually sat farther than that from other people, but in this instance, it felt like she was a mile away. Every word she said was drowned out by the movie, every look she gave felt distant, and I could barely smell her coconut shampoo. Time wore on and it seemed like she was trying to bring up more random topics and tried to make random excuses to glance in my direction which kind of made me happy, yet did not satisfy the test. Another thing that I was noticing was that she was beginning to become more conscious about her knuckle cracking, my one excuse to hold her hands. The thoughts that were running through my head already began to include little details like that and I was truly beginning to think that there was really nothing more than “friendship” between us. Eventually, I noticed my iPod light up and I checked to see a new facebook notification from a friend of mine. In order to respond, I picked up my laptop and began to type out a response.
“What’s that?” Sophie asked sliding over the seat cushion so far that her arm was overlapping mine and she was almost on top of me. I turned my laptop so she could see and she read it and chuckled at my little message, but still I didn’t slide my arm around her back like I usually would. I sat there for a while with her arm on top of mine, our hands not touching and I realized that the closer she was, the harder it was to be less affectionate.
“I’m cold” Sophie said. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I would think that the normal response would have been to put my arm around her and hold her tight and ask quietly “is this better?” but no, I went with “Do you want a blanket?” and she said “yeah…” So I got her one. A short while afterwards, I began to notice her cracking her knuckles, so I reached my left arm around her back and took her left hand in mine and her right hand in my right. We sat comfortably and I could feel all ideas of sadness/depression leaving me as I held her in my arms, smelled her skin, smelled her hair, heard her words, and felt her hands. Eventually, we got to the position where her body crossed with mine and her head was on my right shoulder and she would turn her head to look at me as she spoke while I kissed her cheek as many times as I could squeeze in. Many kisses were given tonight from me because I felt like I kind of needed to make up for the lost time.
One time, however, she turned her head farther than usual and I noticed eyes close slightly and her words got quieter. My lips hovered over hers for a mere second before I realized that this was my chance. I leaned in and gently kissed her lips. There was no response. As I began to pull back, I smelled her sweet breath, I could taste her lips, I felt a bit of cold from where I had taken saliva off her lips, and I could hear her breath heave one great time before returning to normal. Several times throughout the night, she would turn fully and face me again, allowing our lips to touch.  But again, I received no reaction. I’m not quite sure what I would be expecting, maybe some sort of discussion about how I really have to stop that or something along the lines of “Well, it’s official… We’re more than friends…”  How I hoped that the latter was the case.  Whenever she would look at me, I would cover her face with kisses, whenever neither of us were talking, or if I was the one who was supposed to talk, I would gently kiss her lips hoping that her lips would pucker up as well and we would share a tender kiss as opposed to me stealing them.  Without a response and with her repeatedly allowing me to kiss her, I was unsure whether or not she was truly ok with this.  Oh how I loved the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin, the smell of her breath.  I longed to just press my lips against hers and hold it there, just taking it all in, but I had to stop myself… For now.

Around 9:00, I asked her if she had to go home because of her curfew, also giving her a chance to escape all my kisses.  To my great surprise, she said “No.”

“Are you sure…? Your parents tend to get quite angry whenever you’re out late like this.”

“They think I’m with someone else (A girl)” she replied casually.

“So that makes it ok?”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“So it’s just me they hate…”  No reply.  I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and chuckled.  “I suppose I’m not surprised.  How long can I have you for?”

“I don’t know… Midnight, I suppose.”

“Where were you and your friend supposed to be…?”

“Haunted houses.”

“And your parents think that haunted houses run til midnight…?”

Sophie looked at me and smiled.  “My parents are kinda dumb.”

I smiled back and leaned in.  “Awesome” I said before I kissed her lips once more.  Eventually midnight rolled around and my mom came down to tell me to take Sophie home, but we were already watching another TV show and it had just started.  After much convincing, I had gotten her to let us finish what we were watching.

“Should I go home?”

“No.”

“Won’t you get in trouble?”

“I think it would be worse not having you here.”

Sophie smiled at me again and I leaned in to kiss her for the umpteenth time.  We finished watching our TV show, The Walking Dead, and proceeded to watch Looney Toons in order to get thoughts of zombies out of her cute little noggin.  About two sketches in, my name was called very loudly and very angrily from upstairs.

“Alright, alright, we’re leaving, Jesus Christ!” I yelled back.  Sophie grabbed her things, and I put my stuff into my pockets and we left.  Again, in the car, I brought up when we should next hang out, curious to see her reaction.

“I don’t work Friday day and I already go the calls for the week to work extra hours, if you’re free?”  I cautiously looked over at her while driving to see her reaction, receiving a genuine smile in return.

“Yes.  Yes, I’m free.” Her smile was almost addictive because as she said that with her brilliant smile, I could feel the corners of my mouth tugging up as well.

“Well alright then.” I said, slowly turning back to focus on the road, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not wipe this smile from my face.  We got back to Sophie’s house and we said our gentle good nights, but I didn’t receive the hug that I usually got.  I was afraid that it was because she thought that I would try to kiss her again, but I suppose the world will never know.  The big question now is: Is this how things will be between us forever?  She has fought so hard to keep me beside her despite my many attempts to leave her and I know that I do not want to leave her again and it seems like things are going in the direction I want them to go in, but why does she not return my affection?  She knows that I still like her, but does not talk about her feelings for me despite the hundreds of kisses I’ve planted on her with the purpose of a discussion on the topic.  After thinking about this for a bit, I realize that the thing I wanted to do most was to kiss her.  I never much cared to be seen outside with her, I never really cared about getting into her pants, I always at my happiest just sitting on the couch holding her, but I always had to resist the urge to kiss her… Until recently.  The kisses on the cheek were nice and I loved the feel of her skin against my lips and I am starting to become addicted to this feeling like I’m in a dream state whenever I look down and find her green eyes looking back at mine.  I am starting to walk around this town and I would often sense the soft scent of coconut and I think that she is near me, but when I look, she’s nowhere to be found.  Often times, I’m not sure that she exists at all.  I’m not used to things going my way, so when the girl of my dreams, the perfect woman, comes prancing into my life, I have no choice but to believe that things are going as great as they are due to some everlasting dream state.  I know better than anyone that dreams end, so I have to make the most of the time I have with her.  However, if this is not a dream, and things are really going well for me for once in my life,  I never want this to end.  Every kiss I plant on her face, neck, and shoulders is heaven to me, if I could do anything for the rest of my life, it would be to sit on a couch with Sophie, kissing her, holding her, and smelling her.  She would often shift around and ask if I can see.  I always answer “It doesn’t matter if I can see or not.”

“Why not?” She would ask.

“Because whenever I can’t see the TV, I can see you and smell you.”

“But it’s just the back of my head…”

“So? back of your head or not, It’s still you that I see.”

At this point she would smile at me again and I would kiss her lips.  It has not even been 12 hours since I’ve seen her last, but already I miss her.  I can’t wait until Friday to see her and kiss her again.

Until next time,

HelplessRomanticist

I suppose I should begin by saying that today is my birthday. I fell asleep with Sophie on Skype last night and woke up with her as well. She wished me a happy birthday several times and we groggily had conversations when her alarm clock misfired several times. Needless to say, it was shaping up to be a decent birthday. Our morning together was cut short by my parents wanting to take me to breakfast, but she understood, for she had to get ready to go to a dance show that was important to her dance friends. I had realized that there would be no thought of “togetherness” for the two of us with her preferring to do something else than spend a day with me on my birthday. Of course, I understood that she would want to go to the dance thing and so I had no objection and off I went to breakfast. After breakfast I went to work constantly thinking about Sophie and how I would get to talk to her when I got home. The day before (yesterday) I saw her and told her how everything I saw, everything I said, everywhere I go, and everything I touch in some roundabout way, reminds me of her. She had replied with a small, shy smile and one of her cute little giggles. This conversation had infiltrated my head more than once over the course of the day, but this also began to evolve into thoughts of how I don’t need her. I began to think about how I really wasn’t content with our current “relationship” and the prevailing thought of how she probably didn’t want to be seen anywhere with me due to worrying about others thoughts didn’t help matters much.
I began to think about how Tori planned to return with a present for me in tow. I began to think about how I could avoid the places that reminded me of her. I began to think about how I could change things I say to make it so I wouldn’t be reminded of her. After hours of pondering and spacing out, I remembered my promise to give her one month before I voided that with my “It doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll stay” bullshit. This day marks that month period where I would have to make my decision. Because I had started so early in the day, I had plenty of time to come to a decision and be able to become content with it before coming home and being talked down from it by her. During my break, I texted Sophie asking how her dance show was and she said that she had left an hour early and didn’t get to see one of her friends because she had “wanted to leave.” I was kinda confused by this because she had wanted so badly to go and support those friends that she ditched me on my birthday and now I find out that she didn’t even stay the whole time for the most likely bullshit reason she gave me. With this new development, I began to think about how simple my life would become once more without her in it. The question remained: “What do I do?”
I continued to ponder the question all the way through dinner when the unexpected birthday cake and singing came upon me. Surprised, I looked down and saw the single candle sitting on the cake representing a wish. Around the second verse of the song, the roulette wheel of life began to spin going back and forth between “I wish I could spend the rest of my life with Sophie” and “I wish Sophie would just forget about me.” I could see the wheel spinning in my head and by the time the song ended, the arrow landed on “I wish I could spend the rest of my life with Sophie” and I blew out the candle. As I watched the smoke float up and disperse into the air, I thought about how that wish was wasted. I know I still like her and I always will like her, but the fact that I’m constantly reminded of her and whenever I think of her, I’m tortured by the thought that I can’t have her, being with her is harder than it would be without her. I would miss her every day, but it’s something that has to be done before I throw myself off a cliff. No hang out day has been set, she is not online right now, she has more “tests” to study for. I can see this working well, better than this plan had worked in the past. Time to see if she cares enough to find a day to hang out, although I do not intend to make it easy, I plan on taking extra hours at work. Let’s see how this goes.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

So I found out today that Tori will be coming back around Christmas time to visit and bring people presents… I do not want to see Tori… I know that if I continue doing what it is that I’m doing with Sophie, I will have to see Tori eventually. I’m sure the avid readers amongst you have already figured out the basic premise of this post, but I shall continue anyways. It has only been two days since I last saw Sophie although we have found ways to talk to each other each day. I am again considering breaking away from her for a bit because I REALLY don’t want to see Tori. According to Sophie, Tori is coming back with presents for everyone… even me. Just because of one little sentence: “I know what Tori’s getting you for Christmas” I am once again considering not talking to Sophie. I’m sick of being cordial when it comes to matters of Tori. I just want Sophie to be mad at me one day and decide to be perfectly blunt with Tori and say “look, he doesn’t like you, in fact, he hates you. He finds you completely annoying and he really doesn’t want to see you again.” Maybe then Tori will get off my ass.
The plan right now between Sophie and myself is that we are not going to be hanging out for at least a week because she has tests to study for and I have work. On a slightly lighter note, my birthday is approaching fast (this Sunday) and the original plan was for us to do something together. I have had the option to request the day off of work just for that reason and I haven’t had the chance to do it yet, but today Sophie asked “Did you already request Sunday off?”
“No, you’re busy aren’t you?”
“Well, there’s this competition for dance that I want to go to”
I completely understood that there are dance competitions, she does have friends in that class, and she does enjoy going to dance. The convenience, however, seems impeccable. The implications that she does not want to help me celebrate my birthday (especially since she is the only person around here that I hang out with) seem to say that there is truly nothing more than “friends” (if that) between us. In the past I have said that I am perfectly content with our “friendship” but it was a lie. It’s always been a lie, I am definitely not okay with us being “just friends” and I kinda wish that she would stop leading me on like she is. I’ve fully accepted letting her go and from this point on intend to make a conscious effort to not speak to her or reschedule our next hang out date. If she talks to me, fine, so be it, but I do not intend to be starting any more conversations. I sound bitter, yes, I understand, but I really do not want to see Tori. I do not want to hear her grinding voice, I do not care to hear about her new life, I don’t want to hear about her new fucking dog, I don’t give a shit about how much she missed us, I don’t want to have anything to do with her. I stupidly stuck around because of Sophie and it was a bad idea. Now is the time to remedy that.

Until next time,
HelplessRomanticist

Nothing has changed between Sophie and myself. We are spending every free moment together, although our cyber-life has been dwindling. What with my cell phone number permanently blocked and Sophie’s texting being restricted to 9AM-9PM, we were left with laptops as our main method of communication. Sophie has not been online for the past several days, but I have not really cared because I have been seeing and holding her in person for many of those days. The reason, as I have discovered today, is that her father has revoked her internet privileges via changing the WiFi password. In a way, doing this has helped me ensure that I will always know when I will see Sophie. Whenever we would get in the car to return Sophie home, one of us would ask the other when we wanted to hang out next.  We always arrived at a specific day and a specific time and usually, I would pick her up from school and since I already knew where her classes were, I would wait outside until she got out.  The last couple of times, however, I have picked her up at her house, luckily, her father wasn’t home.  I would arrive at her house, knock on her door, and visit with her family a bit as she finished getting ready.  I actually like her family and never really mind hanging out with them, which is a big plus.  Sophie and I would then say our goodbyes and head out to the car.  Once in the car, we would roll down the windows, turn the music up and talk about random shit and sing along with the songs we knew.  When we would get back to my house, we would choose a movie, pop it in, and sit down in our favorite spots in our favorite position: her on my left with my arm around her, her feet curled underneath her, and her body leaning on me while my feet were extended on the foot rest.  We would watch the movie, talking quietly to each other while it played, whispering jokes back and forth, not bothering to move when one of my parents entered the room.   Whenever she would go to crack her knuckles, I would move in and grab her hand and place my fingers between hers and she would curl her fingers in and hold my hand.  Eventually, she would lean farther across and lay across me with her head in the nook of my right arm with my right hand holding hers and my left arm wrapped around her stomach and her left arm on top of it, holding my hand.  I would often be sitting low enough that our heads would be close together and recently, she would turn her head towards me so I could hear what she had to say better, but our heads were close enough that when she would turn her head, her forehead would come in contact with my lips.  What else could I do?  Whenever she would turn her head, I would gently kiss her forehead while she talked and while I thought of a response that would make her smile, although half the time, the kiss seemed to do it.  On occasion, she would move farther up and when she would turn, her cheek would graze my lips and I would kiss her cheek.  Again, I would receive no response and I’m not quite sure that I want one.  The last couple days, I have been (what I believe to be) stealthily kissing her forehead, cheek, neck, and shoulders and I have felt her breathing intensify where it may seem like she’s getting slightly annoyed or vaguely aroused, of course, I’m hoping for the latter.  I believe she’s noticed it, because, let’s face it, how can you not?  Yet, she continues to turn and look at me, pushing her skin against my lips.

When today began, I had decided that I would try my best to not put my arm around her and not be tempted to kiss her, but of course, that failed.  I also decided that I would use the kissing as a selling point to decide whether or not we should be dating or if it would get her to stop talking to me.  So today, after we finished watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I drove her home and asked her when she would want to finish off the trilogy and we agreed on Monday because I had work the next day.  Earlier, however, Sophie had received an email from her dance school asking her if she was alright and if she would like to return to do a show with them.  Sophie had been conflicted on the topic of dance before and had even quit for a time being, although she would not tell me the reason.  This dance show would take place on Monday.  After I dropped Sophie off, I headed to work where I was unable to check my texts for a period of time until 8:00 when I went on my break.

“I’m going to go back to dance on Monday, so we’ll have to watch Transformers another time.”  The text read.  Of course, pessimistic me thought that this meant that she was going to begin trying to distance herself from me in attempt to stop the kissing and so I didn’t force another time on her.

“Alright, good luck and have fun! When did you want to watch it?” I replied.  She didn’t respond.

I finished work and went home to my laptop only to receive an IM from her as soon as Skype signed on.

“What’s up doc?” I have recently introduced her to the world of old school Looney Toons.

“Shhh… be vewy vewy quiet… I’m hunting wabbits!”

“But it’s duck season…”

“Rabbit season!”

“ELMER SEASON!!” and with that, I knew that it was her.  This conversation led to the discovery that her father had changed the WiFi password to restrict her access to me even further and she was able to obtain it because she had claimed to need it for school.  We talked for a couple hours, as if nothing had changed and of course, the topic of when we would see each other next was raised.  Strange thing was: I didn’t bring it up, she did.  She also brought up how I was “busy” on Tuesday and this was because I had told her that I planned on watching a movie with Belle and our friend Josh, but we all wanted her to join us.  I reminded her of this and she agreed to come, although, of course, we would have to pick her up at 3 when she finished tutoring at the school.  I never have a problem with picking her up, so I gladly agreed.  We also arranged to see each other on Friday for some more alone time, but it wasn’t called that, of course.  We continued talking about nothing in particular, although I couldn’t figure out what to talk to her about because it had been A) so long since we had talked online like that and B) I wasn’t expecting to talk to her for a while…  Soon, she had decided to keep her brother company on a run and left, saying her good night.  This left me alone for a bit thinking about everything that’s been happening and I came no closer to a conclusion that I was last month.  I only knew that I still felt very strongly about her and that was not about to change.  I knew that I was kissing her and for the moment, she was ok with this.  The final thing that I knew, was that I would kiss her on the lips at some point before we parted ways.  I knew that if I was ever at the point where I decided that continuing to talk to her was a very bad idea, I would kiss her just to make her stop talking to me or to push our relationship into a whole new level.  Well, my birthday is coming up in a few days, let’s see where this takes us…

Until next time,

HelplessRomanticist

Of course, I have spent every available moment (before 10PM because her parents become quite enraged if she is not home by 9, but we continually push the boundary to 10) with Sophie. It’s hard to believe that it has only been about 2 weeks since I told Sophie that I would forget what I had said about leaving and stay if it meant that much to her (see “Sequels”). Two nights ago, while talking to each other on skype, a strange thing happened. I was playing with a sort of digital “Magic 8 Ball” that gave Star Wars based answers. Now, keep in mind that I don’t remember every line from any of the six movies, but I’m quite certain that the responses I was getting were not from them.
“Does Sophie like me?”
“It is highly unlikely”
“What should I do about Sophie…?”
“learn to let go…”
“Should I really let Sophie go?”
“Yoda thinks yes”
“Will our friendship really end?”
“Yes, it will be messy.”
At this point, I began to get a little freaked out and began to tell a very edited version of these events to Sophie while she pleaded with me to stop playing with me. She was quite convinced that this would lead to me being moody and perhaps trying again to stop talking to her while using the “force” as an excuse. I had asked several other questions about things that I already knew the answers to and got correct responses each time, which was not helping much. Sophie quickly decided to change the topic to my upcoming birthday and how my turning 20 could be a good thing. While in my particularly confused/thoughtful state, I began to rant about how I didn’t feel the need to grow older and that there’s nothing that I am particularly looking forward to in my future that I don’t already have the capability of doing or getting. Of course, this lead to Sophie believing that I was moody. A topic came up about a story I wasn’t sure if I had told her.
“I think I told you back before you blocked me”
“I think you should never bring that up again…”
“Why not, it happened, didn’t it?”
“Because it was so long ago”
“Wasn’t that long ago, not even a year.”
“lalalalalalala”
“Was it really such a bad period of time? I mean, if it was any sort of troubling, you wouldn’t have done it”
“Stop being such a jerk.” And that was the end of that. Several minutes went by and nothing was really said, until: “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing…” I was not about to tell her that I was thinking about her, even though she might have appreciated that. “Just… Something that Belle had said.” This was true, I was not lying, she had kinda said something along these lines, although I was adapting it more to myself and using her and her boyfriend as an allegory.
“What did she say?”
“She was talking about the guy she’s with now and she thinks that she loves him, but she doesn’t know if she should be with him or look for someone new.”
“Love isn’t something you can be unsure about, if she’s unsure, she doesn’t love him.”
“The thing is, the only thing holding her back is that she doesn’t know if he loves her back or not. She knows that if he loved her back she could be totally committed to him and she’s completely ready to give herself to him completely, but if there’s nothing to be received, why waste the energy?”
“I see. Well, I’m getting tired.” it was about 2 in the morning “I’m going to go to bed”
“Alright, Good night”
“good night”
“sweet dreams”
“sweet dreams”
After she had signed off, I began to wonder if she signed off because she realized what I was really talking about and did not want to get into that conversation or if it was because she was truly tired and thought that because I was thinking about someone else’s issues that I would be well enough to be left alone. Of course, the paranoid side of my head was assuming the former. The next night, she checked back to make sure that I was “alright” to which I said “yes” and our conversation went on as normal. At one point, she began talking to Sophie and it was beginning to bug me because I really didn’t give a flying fuck what Tori was up to down in San Diego, although I did get the chance to ask this: “I’m assuming you haven’t told Tori that we still hang out…”
“No… she hasn’t really asked… Why? What do you want me to say?”
“I wasn’t implying that you needed to say anything, I was just… Making an observation.” I also began to think of other things that happened between us in the past involving Tori and the memories of the Circus began to flow into my head. Some time later, Sophie and I were talking about something else that led her to say “I never lie”
“That’s not particularly true, you’ve lied before…”
“When?”
“When you told me that Tori saw the circus and asked you to go with her. I remember thinking about when you said that and wondering how the hell that would’ve worked out, but of course, you didn’t tell Tori the entire story and so as soon as I picked her up, I found out what really happened. So see? You do lie.” I’ll admit, I started out alright, but as I neared the end of my little speech, I was getting kind of bitter…
“Well, I was working under the pretense that you wouldn’t find out…”
“Doesn’t matter pretenses or not, you still lied, so you can’t say that you haven’t lied.”
“Whatever, I can just deny it, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Deny it all you want, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”
And with that, she changed the topic. We stayed up for a couple more hours just talking about nothing, eventually Tori went to sleep and I had Sophie back to myself. Soon enough, 2:00 rolled around and we said our goodnights and our “see you tomorrow”’s. This brings us to today.
Today, I picked up Sophie from her class at 5:50 when she got out and we finished watching Die Hard With a Vengeance and Live Free or Die Hard and I was holding her closer than I had ever held her before, it was closer than I thought physically possible. I got to the point where I was able to plant a kiss on her cheek once more eliciting no form of acknowledgement. While she was on my left arm on my left side, I craned around to her left side to see what she was doing on my laptop and she rested her head on my right shoulder and with that we were so wrapped up in each other and her scent filled my nostrils and all I could think was how I wanted to sit there forever and I had gently kissed her shoulder and her neck. Another time, while trying to get her to stop cracking her knuckles, I held her hand while it was on the base of her chin and my fingers had traced by her lips and finally rested on her hand while still touching her lips and, strangely, she made no attempt to move them away. Eventually 9:30 rolled around and her brother called my phone saying how their parents were starting to get upset that she was not home. I began to drive her home while playing a few songs that I had put into my ipod just for her and on the way, I remembered the “Magic 8 Ball thing” and how she was talking about how she was going to take it so I wouldn’t get any more negative thoughts from it.
“Shit, I forgot to give you the top thing…”
“Oh yeah, huh…”
“Well… You know that I’m not leaving anymore right?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, three tries was more than enough and I guess, this thing that we have going on right now, whatever this is, I guess I’m alright with it…”
“Good, now I don’t have to worry about going back to Nevada and having you pull that again.”
“Yeah… I’m still sorry about that. But just know, I will probably bring up the things that happened before, but it’s not like it means anything. It’s in the past, it really happened, there’s no point in ignoring it. It doesn’t matter how often I bring up the past, how moody I get, or what I see on a stupid little fortune teller, I’ll never leave you, not again.” I slowed the car a bit and turned to look into her eyes as I said the last bit and I saw that cute smile that I adore so much begin to cross her face. It was a sincere smile, she was truly happy that I intended to always be there.
“Thank you.” She said smiling.
Once again, I knew this feeling in my gut was love for her, it was stronger than a simple crush, and I believe in that moment, I felt some sort of return and I know that every time I see her, this feeling will only grow more and more. I have my mind set that I will not leave her and I intend to keep that promise this time because as long as I can hold her like I do now, as long as I can see her as often as I do now, as long as I can talk to her every night as I do now, I’m content. I’m not saying that if I feel the need to get her to stop talking to me I don’t have a plan, I do. What is the plan, you may wonder? I’m sure you’ve figured it out, but it’s totally dependent on where we are in our relationship when that time arrives, but until then, I suppose you’ll have to guess the plan if you really care enough to.

Until next time,

HelplessRomanticist