helplessromanticist

I caught everything up for the most part in the last post and this should be my final post on Sophie before I move on to bigger and better things… Sophie and I are done.  Not for now, not for a little while, for good.  We both decided it was the right decision and now it’s over with.

A little while ago, about two to three weeks ago (she’s not completely sure), Sophie lost interest in me.  Or so she says… According to her, she had began to feel like she was obligated to stay with me til college and I told her that it was stupid and I had never expected her to adhere to her words several times in the past.  But that was all she told me.  Here’s things from my point of view…

A couple days before July fourth, Sophie and I had talked about spending it together, watching movies, playing with fireworks, having a bonfire, you know, kids stuff.  I had also invited another friend of mine who I had not seen in a really long time, Lila.  Sophie had brought up her issue with Lila before about how when we all hung out, she would feel left out because with Lila and I, we would reminisce about “old times”.  I’ve assured her many a time that it wasn’t true and that we always try to include her, but again and again, she insists that she didn’t want to be there because of that.  The day before, I had talked her down and she had agreed to spend the day with us.  Then the day of came around and all of a sudden, she rescinds the offer.
“Regina asked you to do something didn’t she?”
“Yeah… but they don’t know what they’re doing yet.”
“So come hang out with us, at least we know what we’re doing.”
“Yeah, but things will be awkward with Lila, I’ve told you this.”
“Yeah, and I’ve told you that I’ll try to make things better… Different”
“No, it’ll be too weird.”
“You just want to go hang out with Regina, don’t you?”
“No, it’s not that.”
We went on like that for a while until I finally decided “fine, if she really doesn’t want to spend it with me, fine.  Let her go drink herself stupid and flirt with guys all night.”  (from the looks of it, as much as she denies it, that looks like it’s exactly what she did…) So I let her go.  In the end, another friend called us, Chelsea, I believe she’s been in here before… and wanted to go to The City to see the fireworks and complained about going alone.  I didn’t want to go because I had a plan set in my head already and I wasn’t about to give it up.  Lila and I both felt too nice to deny her so we went along.  On the ride there, the three of us chatted and had a pretty fun time, I suppose, but as soon as we got off the subway, it was Lila and Chelsea with me trailing behind.  All the while, I was looking around at all the happy couples sitting around waiting for the show to start.  Watching each of them kiss and smile about it really struck home with me and I began to wonder why I couldn’t have that… I texted Sophie “Happy fourth babe, I miss you. I wish you could be here right now so I could hold you and kiss you.” and I’m  not sure what I expected in return… Maybe a “I wish I could too…” or a “I miss you too” or i don’t know… maybe something with a “too” in it… but all I got was an “Ik” (she couldn’t even spell it out…) and a emoticon kiss.  I got a little bugged by that.. .what did she hope to achieve with that? That somehow, her lips would reach through the phone and make everything better? That in some weird way it would be the same as her being here?
“A digital kiss isn’t really the same at a time like this.”  I sent back.
“Ik (those two fucking letters again…) sorry :/”  That bugged me too…. the “aww, I’m sorry” face.  I don’t know if it’s just in my head, but that face is reserved for “I’m sorry, I wish I could do something” because in my head, I began screaming “but you could’ve done something…. and you didn’t …” of course, again, pissed. I sent back a couple more mean texts one of them saying “you and I both know the real reason you ditched me today” and she stopped responding.  She didn’t talk to me for my walk back to the subway, nor the subway ride home, nor the car ride from the station to my house.  My house, where Lila dropped me off and said “it’s too late, we’ll have a bonfire another time” which essentially ruined my evening… not like it wasn’t already ruined… but you get the point.  Upon arriving home, I sent Lila a slew of texts that she was, apparently, too good to respond to.  I even called her because I just wanted to talk to her and hear her voice, but she couldn’t even pick up the phone.   Finally, pissed off, I decided to try to sleep, but I couldn’t.  I had to try again.  And she picked up!  All I could think was “oh, so you are ignoring my texts” and I told her that up front.  I couldn’t take her bullshit or lies anymore and I hung up furiously.  She never called back.  Never cared if I was ok or not.  Never wondered why I was so peeved all of a sudden, just went back to partying and drinking not giving a single fuck about me.  Of course, I sent that back as a text too.  Things got really heated to the point where she turned off her phone.  All I could think was “oh good, at least she’s getting some now.” Because that was honestly what I thought she was doing.  I wasn’t sure what could be so important that she couldn’t at least talk to me.  that she couldn’t even send one measly text back.  But I digress.  I tried to sleep but was woken up at 4 in the morning and was unable to sleep again.  So I called her.  I woke her up and argued with her some more.  She bitched and moaned about how she had to be up early the next day after getting home at 2 in the morning.   I asked her why Regina couldn’t take her home early and she told me that it was because it would ruin her night.  My question is, how would it ruin her night? she could drop her off and go back to the party… The way I see it, Sophie wanted to be at that party.  But that’s in the past.  All of that seemed to blow over and we got (somewhat) back on track.  The next couple of times we tried to have sex, she would find excuses to stop me in the middle and complain about it being too hot or her not being turned on enough.  Little did I know, the problem was already mounting.

This past Monday, I really didn’t want to see Sophie.  I was going to have to pick her up from her night class at 9 and only spend a couple hours with her whereas I could have picked her up on Tuesday and spend even more time with her, somewhere around 4-5 more hours.  But no.  That time was reserved for working out.  So to start this off, I had a bit of an issue with my eye earlier in the night and it was pointed out to me at work.  It turned out to be a popped blood vessel and so I took my contacts out and could barely see.  When we started hanging out, I was lying on the couch with an ice pack over my better eye and left to stare at Sophie through my bad eye.  As soon as we start hanging out, Regina calls her.  Sophie gets off the couch, walks over to her phone and looks at it for a second before returning with an upset expression on her face.  “What’s wrong?” I ask.  “Nothing” she says hurriedly and slightly peeved.  So I drop it and she eventually gets up to get something to eat.  I stumble over to her asking her what’s wrong and she says that she was tired of making up excuses to hang out with Regina.  Those were her words “I’m tired of making up excuses for not hanging out with Regina.  I feel like such a bad friend.”  So I tried to be the good guy, the nice guy.
“I’ll take you home then, you can go hang out with Regina, I’ll be fine, I have this eye thing anyways.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Are you sure? you don’t seem fine…”
“Just drop it ok?” (she looks upset as usual at this point)
So we sit on the couch and she suggests watching a movie… Really? She thinks that the guy who can barely see wants to watch a movie? So we begin watching Cowboys and Aliens.  Now, I bought this movie mostly for her because she wanted to see it.  Granted, I’ve seen it in theaters, but I didn’t watch it on my own because I wanted to wait for her.  I’m going to skip ahead now…

Sophie paused the movie and turned to me as if to sleep.  I asked if she was tired and she said “a little ” and so I offered to take her home because in reality, I didn’t really want to be with someone who i just watch movies with if I can’t watch movies… I forget exactly how, but things get escalated and she begins telling me about how a guy she hung out with, a guy Regina introduced her to, tried to kiss her once… and things got further escalated and she said “There are so many guys I could have gone out with but I didn’t because I told you I’d stay” and now I don’t know about anyone else, but that sounds like a blame to me… The entire night, I was getting blamed for being in the way and she had the gall to yell at me.  Might I include that her birthday is coming up and I had a lot of fancy things planned for her to be a surprise, but at this point I didn’t really want to surprise her with anything.  I brought down two of my existing gifts and told her to take them because there was no point in me surprising her on her birthday if I wasn’t going to be there for it.  She refused and kept saying that I was still going to do the birthday and she didn’t want to see them because of that.  All in all, by the end of the night, she had yelled at me, thrown things at me, I think she hit me once or twice, and got really pissed at me and I was the one on the defense… In the end, I reminded her of all the things that had been stressing me out and how she always managed to make it all go away but then all I could think about were her problems with me and it amplified them and she seemed to be understanding of it.  I took her home and in the car, she was really calm, although she wouldn’t sit next to me and hold my hand as she normally did.  That probably would’ve calmed me down the most and I wouldn’t be here writing this post right now.  As she was about to get out of the car, I reminded her that she had told me many times that she said she would stay so she would stay, but never once said that she wanted to.  If she didn’t want to stay, I didn’t want to force her to.  I reminded her to think about that and gave her a kiss and she got out of the car.  The next two days were heated debates over how I didn’t want her around and she didn’t want me around and we went back and forth for an entire day.  The night of the first day, she said that she would talk to me the next night.  And things calmed down for the most part.  Until she got out of her night class and said “I’m almost at Regina’s, I probably won’t text much after I get there.”  Whatever happened to talking to me? Why, again, do I stop mattering when Regina comes into the picture? I couldn’t take it again.  The bullshit.  So I sent her a prompt “Look, goodbye is probably for the best.  You don’t want to talk it out (blah blah blah)” and I sent a goodbye text and expected a “ok, goodbye” or an “are you serious?” but again… nothing.  So I went to bed early and wound up getting woken up at midnight by a recurring nightmare I had been having regarding Sophie’s wedding and me trying to get a couple words edgewise in with the blushing bride to no avail.   After being unable to sleep for two hours, I decided to call Sophie to confirm.  She picked up the phone and sounded all sleepy insisting that since I sent a goodbye text that it didn’t warrant a response.  And then she began talking about work and school and got all excited.  It was the stuff that I’d been wanting to hear for three nights now.  I had been wanting to talk to Sophie about nothing for three fucking nights, but I never got a single word in about it.  She kept saying again and again how tired of the ups and downs she was and how she didn’t know whether or not we were still talking.  I left it up to her and I guess we still were.  She hung up and complained about having to be up early the next morning and I went back and tried to do the same, unable to succeed until about 7 in the morning.  That day, I was supposed to pick Sophie up from her morning class which was back in my hometown and at the same time, I was going to go to Rasputin and pick up a couple extra birthday presents for her.  She complained and complained about not wanting anything else from me, but I kept pushing the issue half because I really wanted to get them for her and half because I knew why she didn’t want them, but I wanted to hear it from her.  The argument subsided and she decided to take the bus back home and have me pick her up there.  After I picked her up, we lay on the couch half asleep, barely talking, but I knew that something was off.  She seemed sad, almost depressed and was bringing down my mood too.  She had even brought up our fight.  Something she never does.  What it boiled down to was me pointing out that something was really off and she might as well tell me else it would get worse and she knew it.  She, almost begrudgingly, began telling me about how she had felt for a while that she didn’t want to be with me and pretend that there was an “us” anymore.  I assured her that she made damn sure that I would have no illusions of an “us” kind of relationship, but she insisted that she didn’t want to pretend.  With how she was acting and what she was saying, I knew that it was the last time I would be like this with her.  I had tried going without her for several hours the night before and I felt no remorse then.  Just confusion about the lack of confirmation.  So I agreed.  We gathered her things and I took her home.  For the last time, while I drove slowly, she rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around mine.  She had begun to cry too.
“Aww.. don’t cry… Please… For one, I hate to see/hear you cry, and for two if you cry, I’ll start crying too.” That was the first time I’d genuinely seen her smile all day.
“I’m not crying…” She replied with a smile, as a tear rolled down her face.
“Liar.” I said.

We drove like this all the way to her house.  She had thanked me several times for not asking her to stay and for not being mad.  I kept saying that I couldn’t be mad because I knew it was coming sooner rather than later because of how she’d been acting recently, but what I really should’ve said and regret not saying is that I couldn’t be mad because she had finally talked to me and I finally knew what was going on with her.  I wasn’t leaving it all one giant confused mess anymore and I was happy that she was finally able to convey her thoughts to me.   When the car stopped, I so badly wanted to keep driving and say “you’re not getting out of the car, I don’t want you to leave” but I didn’t.  I stopped the car right in front of her house and leaned over to kiss her.  We sat hugging each other for minutes at a time, trying to think of good parting words.  She began to cry again and I said “There’s nothing I hate more than seeing you cry… Except seeing you cry twice…”  She laughed.  She laughed that beautiful, melodic laugh of hers that I already miss so much.  I couldn’t help but kiss her.  Again, we hugged and kissed each other back and forth for such a long time and I didn’t want her to get out of the car.  I wanted that moment to last forever but  I knew it couldn’t and eventually she got out.  I sat in park craning my neck behind the seat to watch her slowly walk up the stairs and through the gate.  I sat and stared at her with sadness as she turned around and smiled at me, blowing me one final kiss before turning and going into the house.  Turning back to face the road ahead of me, I shuddered, fighting back tears and reminding myself that it was for the better.   The drive home was long and hard… Maybe it was because I was going about 10 under the speed limit… But by the time I got home, I felt fine.  The tears had dried up and the pain in my chest had lessened.  In retrospect, I know that she wasn’t good for me and that we were never meant to last.  I knew that she only seemed to bring me bad luck and I didn’t exactly take the correct courses of action, but never the less, I loved her with all my heart and although there are many things that we did that I regret, loving her is definitely not one of them.

I miss Sophie dearly right now, which is why I’m taking the time to log all of this right now.  We both know and remember this blog and we will both use it to remember and retain the good memories and bad memories and although I’m not sure about Sophie, I will use these experiences to help me learn from my mistakes in hopes that future endeavors will prove more fruitful.

So long Sophie.  May our paths cross again someday. I miss you so much already and you’re still only 15 minutes away and I can’t bear to think of how I’ll feel when I’m 2 hours away.  I’ll always love you, my darling, darling, Loch Ness Monster.  My Nessie.

If I can recall correctly, I have not touched this blog since January at best… Since then, Sophie’s and my relationship flourished beautifully, in my opinion, that is.  Soon after I had found out about her secret date with… I forget the name I gave him, but his real life name was Chris… we began sleeping together.  It started off slow at first, for she was a virgin, and from there became an ongoing thing.  Whenever we had the house to ourselves, we’d pick a bed and have at it.  After we stopped being left alone, we used the back seat of my car.  I had kept count up until we reached about 10 and I stopped seeing the point.  I could sit here and brag about how many times I had sex wit her, how we had sex, and where we did it, but that is not the point of this blog.

As the avid readers may or may not know, Sophie and I have have had a rocky relationship at best.  We were constantly off and on and off and on more times than I could count.  As time went by the tides had shifted from her fighting relentlessly to keep me around and becoming furious with me whenever I chose to sever things to her finding the most minute reasons to walk away with me chasing her down and spinning her around.  I’ve longed for the day the tables would return to their former self but unfortunately that’s not going to happen.  If you may recall, I requested that Sophie remain by my side until I went off to college at which point I would not have the option of running to her in the middle of the night crying about my lust for her.  She had stayed for the most part.

Again, our relationship has always been a rocky one with its ups and downs and I’ll admit, most were my fault.  On the day after valentines day, I pushed her to go on another date with Chris which may seem like a bad idea but actually made her realize that she didn’t much like Chris anymore and that worked in my favor.  My valentines day surprise consisted of a dozen roses, a bottle of chilled sparkling cider, and take out from one of my favorite pasta restaurants all set up in my spare house to six candles.  After dinner, we lie together and… well I’m sure you can guess what happened next… Chris’ date consisted of taking her to a comedy club where the whole time was spent listening to comedians and not having many chances to talk and get to know one another.  (needless to say, I scoffed at that…) Apparently after their second date, which I didn’t really hear about til a couple weeks ago, Chris walked Sophie to her door and awkwardly tried to figure out how to kiss her… and wound up not… A couple days later, Sophie was back in my arms.  I couldn’t fight her on that or be angry seeing as I had pushed her into it and wound up coming back in my favor… A couple fights had broken out after that, but nothing to major to my recollection until I went to fix her computer.

Still a ways back, I had gone to Sophie’s house to fix her computer.  It was a monday.  Her, her brothers, and I all played games in their backyard, football,. soccer, and some other nonchalant games.  A little after we went inside, Sophie took my hand and asked me to follow her outside.  There she proceeded to tell me that she wanted some time to be alone and just be herself again because she felt she was getting lost.  I was a little upset but in the end, I decided to be nice about it and agreed… begrudgingly.  Of course, I had begun to think that it had something to do with Chris until I read the text saying the exact same thing to him.  That night, we didn’t talk on Skype.  In fact, I don’t believe we fell asleep on Skype like we normally did… Instead, we talked for a bit, turned off our lights, shut down our computers and went to sleep… And then Friday came.  Thursday, Sophie had gone out with a friend of hers… A friend who I have issues with… but we’re getting there.  I don’t much care to hide her name. Her name was Regina and in my head it’s a really stuck up name because in several languages it means “queen” and according to Sophie, she thinks the whole world is in love with her because she’s so pretty and shit… personally, I don’t see it (but way to live up to the name, right?!). Anyways, she went to the pool hall with Regina and came back and told me how she had had a bunch of fun and whatnot and the next day, I had to fix another friend’s computer and due to a lack of parts, Sophie agreed to let me use her computer as a medium.  A little after I get things up and running, Sophie drags me out to the back again.
“I promised I’d be forthcoming with you when it concerns other guys…” She said
“Uh huh…?” I replied, a little confused seeing as she was supposed to be taking a break…
“Well, when I went to the pool hall with Regina, I met a guy and I gave him my number… And we’ve been texting each other.”
“Wait… what?! hold on… what happened to your ‘I need time to be myself’? Did you really find yourself in 4 days?! or what, did you find it in another guy’s pants?”
“No, it’s not like that!! Look, you wanted me to be upfront with you and I’m being upfront with you.”
“That was when you weren’t ‘taking a break from guys’!”

Needless to say, things got a little heated.  She eventually calmed me down and pointed out that she didn’t have plans to go out with the guy yet.  Days came and went and she was still texting him and yeah, it was bugging the shit out of me.  I think it was either that Sunday or Monday but I was texting Sophie again waiting for my friend Josh to come over (and I think I forgot to mention it, but this guy that she was going to be going out with… He’s a Josh too.) and I made a joke saying “well, it’s been three days, did your guy ask you out yet?” It’s here that you would expect either a defensive answer or a joking response… right?
“Yeah, he just texted me and wants to hang out tonight. I just said yes” was what I got.
“Wow, so that’s it? Is this goodbye then or something?” -Me, thinking it was a joke…
“If that’s what you want, I don’t blame you.  He has work til 8 though and won’t get me til 8:30”
“wait…” see that? that’s the expression of someone who’s about to say this- “You’re not kidding are you…?”
Argument argument argument, blah blah blah… Bottom line was, she went out with the guy.  I was trying to fix josh’s computer and everything but it was really hard to focus on that, what josh was talking about, and cook, which josh kinda wanted me to do… Anyways, I was quite distracted all night until about 11 when Sophie came home and complained about how stupidly bad her date was… Yeah, I was beaming at this point… She then got bored and began playing with her webcam and sending me adorable pictures of herself with those little wooden cutout word thinggies… I don’t know, all I knew was, they were fucking cute and I sure as shit wasn’t paying any attention to my Josh anymore…  Anyways, a little while down the road and Sophie begins to realize after texting Josh that he seemed really into her whereas she wasn’t so much and did away with him.  Ever since then, things returned to normal, we would come back and watch movies at my house, fornicate in the car, and go out to dinner every once in a while.

My issue with Regina…: Oh this ticks me off every time I think about it… I was hanging out at Sophie’s house with her and her brothers and we were all exceedingly bored and had exhausted all our options.  That is, until Sophie suggested we go on a hike.  Now, Sophie knows damn well that I’m not a big fan of Regina and how conceited she is and how, for some reason, I just don’t get along with her.  But because I ALWAYS make everything about her and make sure she always gets her way, I didn’t protest when she suggested getting Regina along the way.   BIG fucking mistake… Anyways, we pick her up and begin our hike.  I should restart by saying that I was fully expecting this hike to be all inclusive, me, Sophie, and her two brothers all walking along finding things, making jokes, and poking fun, same as always.  As soon as we got Regina, however, all of that changed.  I know that Sophie doesn’t like to talk about her and me being together with anybody else outside her immediate household (I say household because not even her sisters that live out of the house know about me…) I was for all intents and purposes, her dirty little secret that she intended to keep.  Anywhoos, Sophie and Regina took the lead and I immediately disappeared.  Strange thing was, her two brothers seemed perfectly visible.  I was hanging out with the eldest of the two brothers, I think I called him Brandon… either Brandon or Bryan… I think Bryan.  Anyways, Bryan and I were hanging out and laughing about how behind we were and Sophie turns around and goes “well if you’re gonna complain about us walking slow, then go right ahead” and I really wanted to punch her and say “thanks for pretending to be listening, but not everything’s about you.”  So we walked past.  At some point, I got an idea to walk somewhere and I was like “hey, let’s go over here!” and Sophie responded by saying “ohh, good idea Bryan.” and I was seriously irked.  We continued walking and not only was Sophie not acknowledging me, but she barely would say two words to me.  And to make matters worse, I decided to follow up behind because I was really peeved by the whole situation.  We ducked down underneath a tree and everyone was ahead of me still and I hung behind for a couple seconds to catch my breath and Sophie came back and asked if I was alright.
“Golden” I replied bitterly.
“Hey, you guys go on ahead, we’ll catch up” Sophie said, obviously deciding to figure out what’s wrong.
“No, that’s ok, we’ll just wait for you” was Regina’s reply.
“They’re probably going to go make out” This was Sophie’s youngest brother.  He always says stuff like this…
“Uh.. No offense, but you’re not really her type” Was what Regina called back up at me.
“No. ” I said calmly, turning to Sophie.  “I’m really not. Just keep going Sophie, don’t worry about me.  I’ll be just fine.” I gotta say, the hatred and disdain was just dripping from my tone.
I assumed that Sophie had no way to counter argue what just happened so she just went ahead.  We reached a giant hill and the sun was barely beginning to set when Regina had to turn around because she had a party to go to.  Sophie obviously wanted to stay longer, but had to comply to her bestest friend’s wishes.  God I fucking hate that bitch… (Regina) I really needed some time to myself so I told them to turn back and maybe come back for me, else I’d walk home because I “wanted to explore the hill we had just reached.”  Again, no one got the hint.  I sprinted up the hill so fast that I got winded about 20 steps up, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me because I needed to get away from them.  But the assholes kept following me!!!  I had finally reached a height where they were all tired and decided to leave me to my vices and I was happy.  However, with nowhere to sit down and not enough privacy to scream, I paced back and forth til my ankles were sore.  All the while, I could hear them way down below laughing and having a good time.  At least someone was, right?  After a while, I decided that I just wanted to go home or do something else and so I walked back down the hill, apparently, they weren’t done hiking yet and had decided to take several detours.  I didn’t want to wait with them so I powered on ahead and ignored their incessant calling of my name and pretended to be someone else.  Anyone else.  I had called up two friends of mine and they were luckily already out and offered to come pick me up.  I walked through the winding neighborhood to a landmark and met them there.  I had received a call from Sophie about halfway there asking where I was because she was going to pick me up.  I angrily told her not to bother and that I had already arranged something and angrily hung up.  She did not call back. I spent the rest of the evening with my other friends (who have since moved away) until about 10 when I realized that I had left my jacket behind at Sophie’s house.  I kindly asked them to drive me back to her house where I was finally going to confront her.  She was apparently mad at me.  To this day, I’m still not quite sure why…  Something about me giving her shit and ruining her fun…? I don’t know.  We started our yelling match in the living room where her youngest brother quickly packed up his things and went into another room, luckily, no one else was home.  By the time her other two brothers had come back from wherever they were, Sophie and I moved up into her bedroom for a bit and continued talking on a more calm level.  When her parents came back, we stealthily snuck outside to continue talking.  We walked around for almost 3 hours working things out and things had gone back to normal, but as always, I was left without answers.

Extraneous fact: I had recently began working at my local movie theater taking surveys for neilson Ratings and through my expedient raise to supervisor, got Sophie a job alongside me.  Sophie seems to be enjoying herself pretty decently and I must say that on more than one occasion, her working with me has saved our “relationship” but that could only last so long…