helplessromanticist

“Wait!” I called as she brushed past me for what felt like the hundredth time.  I reached out and touched her shoulder only for her to react surprised and spin around.  She said nothing, remaining expressionless.  “I have spent the last few months mustering the courage and words to at the very least know your name.  I know we’re in college, but that doesn’t mean that all I want is to get in your pants.  We used to be cordial and friendly and all of a sudden that’s changed…  What did I do to change things?” 

She stared at me, emotionless, before turning away…

I opened my eyes and blinked several times before realizing that I had another dream.  This was the third time I had fallen in and out of consciousness, only to have vivid memories of the dreams that had transpired.  I glanced blearily at the clock to see that it was only 3 in the morning…. Only…  I knew the girl in question this time.  There was no confusion, no assumptions, I recognized her face.  One true fact is that lately, she had been brushing past me in the halls without so much as a hello whereas we used to be as cordial as two people who ride the same bus every day.  However that seemed to change with the end of winter break and the resuming of school.  In my head, I believed that she looked like a Heather, so let’s just go with that.  

I met Heather towards the beginning of last semester when my roommate dragged me to a movie quiz game thing in the multipurpose room.  As I’m sure can be assumed, “Heather” and I didn’t actually “meet” but it was our first encounter.  My team had won the game with the most questions answered correctly by me and (for once) she genuinely seemed impressed with my movie knowledge.  We didn’t have an opportunity to exchange words, but there were several glances that I didn’t take to mean anything.  The problem for me was that my mind was already preoccupied with Emily as it was the entire time that we were cordial.  As soon as trouble reared its ugly head between myself and Emily, Heather had started avoiding me.  My cheerful “hey!”s and a smile were answered with a scowl and a quick inspection of the wall.  I didn’t know what I had done.  There had been several encounters around school and each time there was a friendly smile on both of our faces and brief small talk that usually included me tripping over my own feet just to find them in my mouth.  Heather was quite attractive.  Almost identical in height and build to Emily but with blonder hair and glasses (not to mention the fact that she could hear).  I always wanted to at least know her name so at least I was one step closer to getting to know her as a person, but my conundrum which was Emily kept interfering.  Now that I am putting Emily out of the picture, it’s all I can do to think about Heather and what I would say to her when the moment presented itself.  The dream that I had has quite possibly shown me the way and it is something that I will want to try upon the completion of Spring break and my return to school.  

I know that it is unwise to jump into a relationship again so soon after yet another failure, but I do not plan on dating this girl right off the bat.  For one thing, I have seen her at the cafeteria with another guy who I am uncertain of whether or not they’re together…  I have yet to see any intimacy between them.  I would honestly like to believe that I just want a friendship with this girl and perhaps test her knowledge of movies and see just how much she does know in comparison to me and if we share similar interests.  Aren’t those kinds of questions and queries the definition to the lead in of a relationship though?  Bah, fuckit, I’ll just have to see where this goes and see what my gut does and doesn’t allow me to say to her.

I’m not sure why I’m sitting here writing this… there was no epiphany, there was no revelation, there was no… change… The song “Realize” by Colbie Caillat came on the radio and as I began to sing the harmonizing verse that I would often do with that and songs like it, I realized that I could never do that in person with Emily…  The thing with Kelsey is that i no longer look at her like that…I like her as though she were my sister and that has its own reasons inandof itself that I will not divulge here.  Not to mention that she has a boyfriend… but that’s neither here nor there.  I realize that I have so much fun with anything that I’m doing and the only thing that truly seems to kill the mood is when I talk about Emily or must answer a text from her.  I have noticed that the smile that exists carefree on my face suddenly vanishes when her name comes up in conversation. I harmonized all the “if you’d just realize what I’ve just realized” and I thought to myself “… You know how this is going to end… this isn’t going to end well regardless of if it happens now or later… There is no happy medium.  I am blamed (inadvertently) for her lack of pursuance of higher education and she won’t let me help her with her problems.  However, no matter how many excuses I make up, I can’t escape the fact that I… 

Are these really the right words?  Is it true?  Am I really feeling like this right now?  Is this the dark nature of night that retains me in its everlasting clutches?  Can I escape this feeling come dawn? Do I really want to be saying these things?  Are these the right words? Is this really going to be the state of our affairs?  Will we recover from this?  Will this really be an event in my life to teach and inspire me to evolve?  Can I shed this pitiful shell? Is there really a step following this? Are these the right words? 

They must be the right words.  This pit in my stomach tells me that they are the words that need to be said but are the worst words known to the human race.  The set of words that no one wants to say and the set of words that even less people want to hear… Perhaps this rent could be mended with time or perhaps just a moment with her would be enough to repair the destruction that this situation is presenting to my heart….  They must be the right words.  There comes a time in life where these words must be said.  Only when I say these words can I truly decipher whether or not they are from the heart or from the head.  The questions that whiz through my head are starting to fade the more I think about that one phrase.  I can not say for sure if it was due to a single event and I can not say for sure that it is the result of any event at all.  I can not say that this is not simply an inevitable quandary fated to rear its ugly head.  They must be the right words.

I don’t love her anymore.