helplessromanticist

I fully intended to keep this blog closed because I had thought that Sophie and myself were headed in a good direction… Unfortunately, shortly after I closed this blog, Sophie turned around and decided to stab me in the back. Whilst I stand here with the handle barely jutting out, the blade is beginning to twist within me and this pain is getting too great to bear. I have tried talking about the incident with Bell and Caroline but it doesn’t help… As much as I love the two of them, just talking won’t seem to get this frustration out and I doubt that writing will solve this issue either. The issue is this: about four days before the new year, I was hanging out with Sophie and before I drove her home, I told her that I did not want to go into the new year with her if I wasn’t going to be able to end it with her. She acknowledged this and told me that she wanted to be with me on new years with a smile (she originally planned to ditch me on new years to hang out with one of her friends who had come back for the holiday but those plans fell through because her parents said no). I smiled back and whispered that I loved her in her ear receiving the familiar “I know.” With that I drove her home. I did not make plans to see her for a couple of days but as it turned out, I saw her the next day because she had left earrings at my house. I returned them to her by meeting her and her youngest brother at a nearby park where they were walking their dog so as to avoid me meeting her parents and having them complain about how I’m always with her. Sophie was on the phone with her oldest brother and I was left to hang out with the brother who was present which I didn’t mind. Stupidly I decided to climb a rotting tree and wound up falling out of it and severely bruising my back. The mandatory “are you OK”‘s were exchanged and I said I was fine, but found it quite laborious to walk around. The next day, I was texting Sophie from bed, for I was under a self induced bed-rest, and asked her what she was doing. She told me that she was writing and that I should leave her to it. Of course, I didn’t. I didn’t receive replies from her until after hours at a time and I assumed that she was writing. That is, until, I received a “I didn’t get much done…” text. (As I write this, I’m getting quite agitated again…) I made a couple jokes and then texted her as she went to target. Strangely, while she was at target, she responded immediately. the day ended and eventually new years came around and I spent it with her and her family because her parents didn’t want her out that late. We had lots of fun and shared a few kisses and set off a firework we had remaining from the fourth of July. We said our happy new years, kissed a few more times, and eventually, it came time for me to return home. I saw her for the next few days as well until she went to her friend’s house for a sleepover before she went back to college. Bored in bed during the first day she was gone, I began to browse through her email which she had signed in on my iPod. If you can remember from way back in October, when my birthday came around, my father offered to take me to a go-kart track where you would drive so fast that you actually needed a helmet. Well, while I was going through the email, I noticed an email from the same racetrack. The subject was something along the lines of “Your scoring” sent to her the day after she had told me she was writing. I opened the email, curious what she was up to, and saw several other names listed all of which were guys and none of which were family members. Of course, I didn’t remember exactly which day it was, but I was able to check the text logs and saw that the times coincided. Furious, I sent Sophie a text telling her that we were through and there was no point in seeing her again. I was ready to do it too.
“Fine then” came the reply. Relieved, I set down my ipod and began to drift off to sleep until her personal ringtone went off again. “What started it this time?” was the question.
I summed up what had just happened and what I had just discovered and received a “let me explain” text followed by a phone call to my house phone. My mother came into my room holding the phone telling her that it was for me. Long story short, I hung up on her several times and continued to berate her calling her a whore, asking her how many guys she had been with while she was with me, and why she couldn’t just tell me that she wanted to stop seeing me so badly. All of my distasteful comments were answered with things like “No, It won’t happen again, I love you!” or “I’ll be your girlfriend” or “I’ll have sex with you” or “I’ll do anything just don’t leave!” All that made me even angrier. I tried to keep a cool head about the whole thing but as much as I told myself that I was calm, I couldn’t keep it down. Things escalated so far that I couldn’t even bear it anymore and I finally let her call me to explain. But no explanation came. There was a lot of stammering and “why are you doing this?” (why the fuck do you think?) but there was no explanation. There was definitely more yelling though. This happened a while ago and stupidly I stayed with her. I don’t know what happened but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. I even got to the point where I finally got her to agree that we were over and I cracked. Not five minutes after I received her “FINE i don’t need this anyways” I was able to step back and realize that I hated the idea of actually losing her and began questioning what I was trying to do this whole time. Was I trying to milk this? See how much I could get from her? See if I could get her to… i don’t know… come live with me? I didn’t understand what was going on and as much as I wanted to accept her “I’ll be your girlfriend” I didn’t want it to be like this. I didn’t want to force her into a relationship. I hate that about myself, I hate that I love her so much that I care more about her emotions than mine. Ultimately we stayed our course, somehow became even closer even though I trust her a LOT less, but we finally have a label. We’re friends with benefits. I finally got her to say it. She hates admitting it and she hates the idea of a FWB relationship but that is what we are. I can’t say I’m particularly happy about it because I do love her more than a friend does and I want to be with her, but she won’t be with just me and I’m not ok with that. Sadly, though, I will have to be. She doesn’t care about my feelings at all and will continue to string me along until she is done with me and for some reason I”m being stupid enough to endure it. It’s gotten to the point where every time I see her I want to just punch her in the face and tell her to leave me alone. I want her to hate me. I don’t want to have to struggle to leave her just because she’s glued to the floor grasping at my hands and feet. We walk around in public holding hands, I put my arm around her and hold her close to me, I kiss her on the cheek and on the lips no matter who’s around us, we don’t give a fuck about who sees us, but that was before school started.
School has been in session for two days now and I have made myself a promise. As soon as Sophie shrugs off my arm, pushes away my hand, or evades my kisses on campus, I will call this entire thing off. I think I have the power to do it now. I don’t believe she will fight back either. I’m beginning to think that she’s keeping me around just so she doesn’t have to say good bye. Another post will be coming tomorrow night most likely listing yet another thing that’s been getting to me for a while now. This entire post is severely abridged but I know that I have lost enough of my audience already with my absence that this will just remain as a reminder as to why I should not be speaking to Sophie. The vow I have made to myself has also not been voiced to Sophie because I’m afraid of what she would do with that knowledge. Either way it’s bad for me. If she truly doesn’t want to lose me, she will not be truly happy and although I do want that for her, I need something from this relationship and she sure as hell isn’t giving it to me. If she does want to lose me, which I assume she does, she will shove me away first chance she gets. I don’t know what I will be doing through this because I’m debating how much I want her around. Half of me wants to hold her tighter than anything while we walk the campus and half of me wants to let her do her own thing and perhaps I should begin to act like we don’t know each other. This would all be much easier if I didn’t decide to take a chemistry class with her… As I write this, I am seething with hatred for Sophie and I think it’s true, but it’s also intermingled with my love for her and it’s a very confusing emotion. I should end this before I punch a hole through my computer or do something irrational… like talk to Sophie…

-HelplessRomanticist